The Secret Joys of Dentistry, Or: What I Just Purchased

Admit it. Every time you find yourself walking through the grocery store or pharmacy, and pass the toothbrush aisle, you catch a look at those powered toothbrushes. And then you think something along the lines of: "Six bucks? Who the hell would spend six bucks on a toothbrush!" Well, to answer that riddle, me. I would buy a powered toothbrush. And here's why: I've always wanted to play dentist.

The simple joy of toothbrushing has long passed from my nervous system. Perhaps the moment that my last baby tooth fell out and I could stick my tongue in the new space one last time and feel the brush curl over it as it went about its cleaning duties. Perhaps it was after my 7 wisdom teeth (I swear that that is completely true and accurate) were pulled and I had to spend a week only gargling because of all the stitch work needed. Whatever the case, dental hygiene is not something I put much thought into aside of the "my teeth feel like fur. Let's brush!" and "my breath smells like burning fur. Let's brush!" Within nanoseconds of brushing, I've forgotten the whole event took place (unless, of course, I used the awesomeness that is Listerine toothpaste. That stuff you can't help but notice for a good ten or fifteen minutes as it continues to tingle your mouth in that way that only Listerine can...)

And this is not to say that I have bad dental hygiene or a mean case of halitosis. I do not. Never had a cavity, despite being a completely lousy flosser. And like most people these days, I spend an inordinate amount of time and money gathering gums and mints to soothe the effects of coffee and garlic-based sauces. But, generally, you could not consider me to be a dental enthusiast. Until now. And it's all because of one tiny little vibrating toothbrush that cost me six bucks.

As perhaps a sign to my newly discovered passion, I still recall coming across my first powered toothbrush. It was owned by a friend of mine in Los Angeles who, as I recall, had some minor nerve issue or perhaps were susceptible to gum recession. The toothbrush was surely dentist-prescribed. And it cost perhaps $100. Which is ludicrous, until you realize that it's the primary tool in keeping your choppers for your entire life. I was intrigued, as most would be, at the powered toothbrush. Just as I was when I was little and, for play, liked to pull out my parents' water flosser (I wish I could recall its name) and shoot it into my mouth at high speeds and then around the bathroom like it was a machine gun. It can surely be said that I have long been subconsciously been fascinated with dental technology. I even enjoy going to the dentist's office. And one of my good friends from college grew in stature when I found out that he had finished dental school and was now an Army dentist (it does help that, during said dental school, he once got to assist in some work on the actress Tiffany Amber Thiessen, right as "Saved By The Bell" was reaching its end and she was popping up on various web sites in various gossamer outfits of the most revealing. Which is to say that I was very proud of him when he said, "I just had my fingers in Tiffany Amber Thiessen!" and we got a good laugh out of that and perhaps a bit more in our minds...)

Anyhow, back to the champion at hand. The powered toothbrush. It's an Oral-B (my preferred brand, although I do have lots of good things to say about Mentadent toothbrushes) and runs on one AA battery. Which probably won't last particularly long. And so now I have to start housing a surplus of batteries in my bathroom, which surely will make my roommate Euge curious. And, being two single guys, we've already had the obligatory discussion on other (im)practical uses that a vibrating toothbrush might be good for, especially for a certain segment of the general population. But, critically to me, the toothbrush is everything I could have asked for. I am a dentist with a buzzing tool in my maw. I feel fresher after brushing and decidedly happier. Partly because of the newness and partly because I somehow still have an automatic back-and-forth arm motion (I know that's not the proper arm movement, but, again, no cavities, ever.). All in all, it's pretty fun. I highly recommend it. In fact, I can't recommend it enough. Go out today and buy yourself a powered toothbrush. Beat. The Rush. You'll thank me later. And with a minty fresh, glowing white smile.