T-14 Days

Dearest All-

I've grown lazy in the late summer of grilling and beer and hot days and nights, and so it's been months since my last post. My guess is that if anyone even reads this, it's by accident. I promise to return to my usual subjects soon (World Series, college football, general idiocy), but I feel a need to release my frustration at the state of American politics and the drubbing that our greatest export to the world is taking as we race to replace George W. Bush.

I have been, like many of you both here in the continental 48 and abroad in finer locales, absolutely glued to the coverage. full disclosure: this does not include anything fox corp.-related. This is part of my long-standing embargo on all things Fox ever since they trotted out (ok, threw down my throat) the glo-puck for NHL games. So when and where suitable alternatives are available, I go to them. I am not looking forward to the Fox coverage of the Rays-Phils World Series.

But this is not about Fox News Corp. Although there are a number of talking heads employed by that franchise who should be removed far from the public discourse. Yes, I'm talking about Bill O'Reilly and Brit Hume (now retired). And especially Sean Hannity, who is unfortunately not old enough to retire while I can still enjoy it (unlike say: Bill O'Reilly, CBS' Billy Packer, Fox Sports' Tim McCarver, MSNBC's Chris Matthews, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and, although I liked him as a teenager, Don Imus). There are idiots on other stations too who also bring down the public debate into glorified shouting matches. But this is not about them. I am smart enough to realize their persona, however unpleasant and distasteful, is truly centered around gaining and keeping ratings. If there was money in being high-minded, all of these individuals (with the exception of Savage and McCarver) are intelligent enough to have shaped that persona. But the public likes warriors and like-minded voices that defend their views with a messianic vigor. So a lot of people like O'Reilly and a lot of people like say Keith Olberman. And rarely are they the same person.

No, this post is about the absolute pit that American politics and debate have fallen. I'm fairly certain President Bush, if he's cognizant at all about the tenor of the national dialogue, will need a big hug when all is said and done. Not that he doesn't deserve criticism. But that he's a virtual pariah and that can't be good on anyone's psyche, even the colossal failures.

As I read on my calendar, the year is 2008 and the location is these United States. But we have elected leaders who use hinted language to incite racism. We have elected leaders who split infinitives and dance around linguistically to make offensive, indefensible, ethically bankrupt, and false statements to drum up bigotry. We have idiots killing black bears and then dropping them off on a college campus with Obama stickers plastered on the corpse. We have Governor Palin making loosely based and largely debunked allegations tying Senator Obama to Bill Ayers, who in a previous lifetime was part of the Weather Underground's domestic bombing efforts in the 1960s and 1970s. When Obama was 8.

To his credit, Senator McCain has publicly stated that he will not allow or condone racist statements or actions by some of his fringe supporters that have become captured on tape. But I fear that is the necessary lip service in this day and age. How we still have racism in this country is beyond me. But how one of our major parties can effectively embrace it and openly encourage it through coded language is beyond the pale. Especially when they offend my intellect through the hyper-structured use of phrasing that, if parsed, can be denied as taken-out-of-context, but to the normal human ear, says something entirely base:

"What I would say is that the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look. I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out if they are pro-America or anti-America." ~ Rep. Michele Bachmann (R - 6th, Minnesota)

The United States is supposed to be the world's shining example of democracy in action. Everyone should demand that national politics in this country be about issues and that candidates are considered fairly and equitably and that differences can be examined as a contrast in governing styles from which a knowledgeable vote can be cast. Instead, we pursue a politics of personal debasement. Disenfranchisement of voters is the norm. Voter suppression is the norm. Personal attacks is the norm. Embracing fringe elements and encouraging irrational anger is the norm. Class warfare and anti-intellectualism have becoming bizarre virtues, not vices.

So while I cannot wait for this election to be over (fairly confident I sense the outcome), it is sad for me to know that, unless our country does a full house-cleaning (unlikely, given the recent trends of how Republicans run for office and how Democrats take over-wrung umbrage in response) and everyone not only agrees in principle, but also in practice, to return to high-minded discourse on policy, that America is worse off. That the facade has cracked and that no amount of make-up will cover up the ills seething unchecked amongst us.

It is appropriate to use your freedom of speech (as I am right now) to voice your political opinion and support your candidate. It is not freedom of speech to use racist and hateful language. It is morally wrong and my guess is that oftentimes illegal as well.

It is appropriate to compare and contrast the candidates, especially in their philosophy, thinking, and policy. It is wrong to label and libel the candidates with repeated, known falsehoods.

It needs to be stated that embracing racist language will not be tolerated. That encouraging racist actions under the guise of freedom of speech arguments is morally destitute. That using a national platform to espouse hatred, drum up fear, tap into phobias, and act as a mindless echo chamber should not be the democratic ideal or public forum. And it needs to be repeated that the vast majority of the American populace are too intelligent and have grown too tired of this style of politics of division. Obama was right in his famous speech arguing that there are not two United States. It's well past the time that we started acting that way and demanded our politicians to do the same.

Finally, it is wholly appropriate to be happy come November 5th, no matter who the next leader of the United States becomes. At the very least, it will allow the vitriol to go away until at least Christmas 2009...

--goose

October Shout-Outs:

To the good Dr. and fam, now enjoying a respite from island life with a trip to the east coast. I hope that the girls have a great time with Babcia and can't wait to see them in a few weeks.

To my peeps on St. Croix, now enjoying the breath of relief after Hurricane Omar (did it make it to Category-3?!!) quickly passed over the island with what looks like minimal damage (apart of continued power loss to the east end of the island, and a loss of a fair number of boats). I didn't get much sleep the night it passed and my thoughts the entire time were with all of you.

To the good Dr. W and her new beau. Still sorry I couldn't make the nuptials, as we were dealing with Hurricane Ike at the time.

To Sasha B. of St. Croix and her Philadelphia Phillies. Good luck against the Rays! As much as it pains me to see the history-less Rays in the World Series while my Cubs died before we even met the lead characters (another reason I've felt too listless to write), it will hurt even more if they capture the title. So please, Phils, winners of 1 world series in 126 years, do it and make Philly (one of my favorite cities in the USA) a happy place this October and November.

A Fascination With Health, Work, and Magnum

As the wildflowers bloom here in Texas, transforming this most unholy of states from cold, windy, rainy, and dreary into a happy palette of vibrant purples, fiery oranges, and mesmerizing yellows (before again moving into the hot summer dreariness...), so has the annual spring-cleaning of my mind and body. I highly recommend it.

It began over Spring Break, while house-sitting (and dog-sitting the awesomeness that is Bear the Dog). My commute to school went right by the gym. Why not, I thought? And it's been good. After a few weeks, I've lost a purported 10 lbs. (people may disagree whether I needed to lose it, so let's call it a "transformation"... but thank you people for the compliment that I look fit as a fiddle. You obviously haven't seen me in a few years!) And that rolled into a manic cleaning of the house. The whole thing. And a much-needed full-on cleaning of the bedroom and re-ordering of the clothes. It felt great. I felt fresh! But there was more! I sewed a button on a shirt! (I fully realize how infantile that sounds, but think about it. When exactly was the last time - especially you guys - sewed anything?) I was rising to the challenge of a spring make-over. Started eating right. Got the grill going almost every night (though some may point out that grilling i.e. drinking beer while grilling isn't truly "healthy"). Continued running at the gym. Continued to feel good about myself.

Then I found out that my brother, the Good Doctor Carr, is at least six months ahead of me in this kick. Since college, he's always been slighter than me (read: I ate lots of coconut cream pies...) but he's downright wirey now! Supposedly, he weighs about 20 lbs. below me right now. So that was 30 lbs. last month! The bastard! And he has 3 kids all under the age of 2 (well, the girls just turned two...), a loving, active wife, and what appears to be a demanding job as a surgeon. The wirey bastard! So now my goal is to get to a fitness level where I can keep up with his 6:15 miles. And to think I was once miles faster than he was...

And to top off all this lust for life and pursuit of perfect older brother, I, thanks to Ian of St. Croix, renewed my vows with what should be the greatest tv show of the 1980s. No, not Cosby (though that's good). Cosby spanned into the 1990s, so he doesn't count. No, I'm defending "Magnum, P.I." A lot of guys my age and a little older grew up idolizing his life style. Hot women, fridges full of beer, a hot Ferrari that he didn't own (so didn't mind wrecking), a cool black friend with a helicopter, and a cool white friend who probably was a pimp (though this portion of Rick's back-story was never really pursued fully...). So, in this time of renewal, this springtime of hope and the full embrace of all I am and love and want, I've grown a mustache. And his theme song is my ring tone.

Thomas Magnum would be proud. And though my brother laughed so hard that he fell off a hotel bed when he saw my 'stache on Skype a few days ago, I know he's jealous. He watched and idolized Magnum too. And though he could beat me in a 10k right now by probably a full half-mile or more (wirey bastard!), I could sense his 'stache envy. I got the Hawaiian shirts, the fridge full of beer, the cool black friend, the pimp white friend, and a hottie in a bikini sitting on a beach waiting for me to solve some sordid case that invariably leads me back to my days in Da Nang. Now all I need is that Ferrari...

--goose

April Shout-outs: St. Croix, I'm coming home! See you in a week!

The Texas Two-Step, Or: Why I Caucused

Now I realize that it's well past the media cycle, and that, following the big "loss" of Texas by Barack Obama to Hillary Clinton in the primary last week, but it's worth mentioning two things: 1) Barack won more delegates in Texas than Hillary, due to the energetic horde that are the Obamaniacs; and 2) I'm not sure I can handle another 4 months of primary coverage. But enough about the second, because I need to report on the former, as I caucused.

The report: It was a mess. Disorganized. Woefully understaffed. Woefully underestimated the numbers of voters who were going to show (we had about 200 show for the precinct). And most embarassingly, dreadfully chaotic, with 200 people pretending that they knew the Roberts' Rules. "Point of order!" "I second that!" "I nominate Joe!" "I digress!" Ouch. Worse than all the nutjobs who live and die for political intrigue, I actually heard a kid drum up support for his presumptive nomination as a county delegate by telling an older man (identified as a local high school government teacher) that he represented his school at Boy's State, something I myself was selected for but spent the majority of my time fielding softball teams to get out of committee meetings. I felt dirty being there, watching everyone pander and articulate and angle for a snippet of power.

But as Churchill said, "Democracy is the worst form of government. Except for all the others." Or something like that. I'm too busy watching "Mad Max" and determining my Spring Break plans. None of which include following politics. I have the rest of spring and summer it sounds like. It won't be like I miss anything.

The Art of the BBQ, Or: My New Favorite Recipe

Try it out:

0.75 lbs. (or as large as will fit on the grill) your favorite fish fillet, skin still on.

1 whole fresh ginger root, grated.
1-2 whole green onions (chives), finely chopped.
1/4 to 1/3 cup soyu sauce.
1 packet white sugar (1 Tbsp.), 1 packet brown sugar.

Wash your fish fillet. I cannot mention this enough. Then, spread the grated ginger, onions, and sugar until the entire top of the fillet is completely covered (the skin side, obtw, is the "bottom").

Pour on most of the soyu. Let marinate at least 45 minutes.

Drink 3-4 beers (this helps you get through the 45 minutes).

Light grill and get coals white hot (or for you gas people, 500 - 500 deg.). That's about 3 more beers. Maybe 2 if you're chatty. Or drunk-dialing.

Pour rest of soyu on top. Lay on grill, skin side down.

Cover grill, making sure to maintain airflow (for you charcoal people). Cook fish 7-12 minutes. Watch it. When meats becomes firm, it's done!

Eat it. Drink more beer. Write me a thank-you note (or drunk-dial me...)

Getting Along With Politics, Or: America Is A Democracy?

By the way the political machine is going, you'd get the feeling that the following things are going to happen by say, mid-June: 1) John McCain will win the Republican nomination and begin to unify a majority of prospective voters for the November election, and 2) Barak Obama will continue to gain support, win votes and delegates while Hillary Clinton will win the nomination. It's spooky.

I spoke with my brother, a good, solid independent-minded fellow. The Good Doctor was showing exasperation at the Democratic (Party) process of delegates versus super-delegates (should they be capitalized? Super-Delegates!) and that the Republican method, though supposedly better, is by nowhere perfect. Washington awards half of their Republican delegates to their primary and the other half at a caucus a week later? What?

How exactly has this country allowed this to happen for so long? It's obvious that you don't get every election cycle to take a close look at how these people win their respective party's nomination. Think about it: 2004 was a wash-out. 2000 might have been a chance but I think the Information Age is far more mature than it was then. And before that? 1992? I hadn't even surfed online once then. Call it the amazing metastasizing awareness of the interested public. Admittedly, more Americans spend more time trying to find a parking space that fits their Ford Behemoth than worrying about their leadership. Just today, something like 1.5million people in Iran showed up to hear their president speak. Of course, given my nice high school education in Cold War politics (thank you!), my first thought was, "how many were dragged there to fill the square?", closely followed by, "I wonder if they have to do the eternal clapping and cheering like the poor Russians had to do when Stalin made appearances because the KGB was in the crowd and would target the first people to stop clapping as opposition and then have them killed or pushed off to Siberia." But you get the idea. America has been asleep at the wheel of politics for nearly 30 years. There are a handful of moments since Nixon was booted from office (ok, 35 years), but in general "peace and prosperity" have led us to spend more time worrying about which of their shows are coming back this year than anything of vital importance.

But, with this (at least) Democratic primary season, there's a chance that the winds of change are in the air. That's the idea I feel behind those supporting Barak Obama. He's a chance for spring cleaning. Something that might not happen for another 8 years. It's hard to think in those terms, but that's the reality of our American politics. In 1992, when (Bill) Clinton won the nomination, the internet was barely out there and I was barely in high school. When GW Bush won in 2000, I had just finished college. And, after this election cycle, the next "real" chance to take a look at our supposedly democratic nation, I'll be 40 and probably be more interested in which school district is best.

In other words, when you got only one shot or chance, you better take it.

For a more concise, and slightly more humorous take (although I secretly loathe he makes his blog by finding stuff online when I spend my online surfing bouncing between a few sites over and over again), take a look at my friend's Ian blog.

Conflicted Thoughts On The Super Bowl; Or: Did Tom Brady Just Break My Heart?

Let's get right to the facts: Super Bowl XLII was outstanding. Though a low-scoring affair, you can't help but think that this game had many elements that will place it up near the top of all Super Bowls so far played. Like John Elway getting spun as he dove for the endzone in his Super Bowl triumph over the Packers in 1997, the Eli Manning somehow not being sacked then heaving the ball down the field to a waiting David Tyree who caught it with one hand and a helmet while being viciously covered by Rodney Harrison has already been burned into the memory banks of those who saw the game. It was then that you just thought "The Giants got the mojo edge." And so they claimed the crown, 17-14, over the previously undefeated New England Patriots, led by approved man-crush target Tom Brady.

And it wasn't so much that the Patriots stunk up the joint. The Giants defense was relentless, knocking down or sacking Brady on 50% of his first 20 passes. And yet the Pats had the lead with 2:31 to go in the game, on a nice drive capped with an easy slant touchdown to Randy Moss, who was unguarded after his defender slipped and fell on an inside move.

I watched the game in a decidedly Pro-Patriots house, filled with New England refugees. True enough, though I recall cheering for the Giants in the 1986 Super Bowl, I was hoping for the Pats to be kings, finishing their season (as you may have heard) undefeated at 19-0. But in all truth, I remain a Packers fan and though the Pack gave the Giants everything and more, it was obvious to me since sometime in the second quarter of the NFC Championship Game that the Giants defense was going to be the X-Factor. I didn't get why most of the "experts" on ESPN and FoxSports were, if picking the Patriots, making them prohibitive favorites, winning by at least 20. Those who picked the Giants (and Mike Ditka is one of them) made it a close contest, the clearest indication that there was way too much confidence in the Patriots overcoming a defense that was playing lights out since week 17.

The media in this day and age can force feed whatever angle it wants, and it seems that nobody notices until the "upset" happens and then everybody quickly eats a piece of crow and then run the highlights and never return to their bad prediction. It wasn't that long ago that ESPN was running a piece on the USC football team being "the best ever" and then they had to go and lose to Texas in the BCS Championship Game. So much for that (and I'm still angry that nobody ever mentions that USC's linebacker corps was decimated for that game and that had even one of their starters remained, I don't think that Vince Young makes that run to win. But Texas won, and that's the fact.). And now, since like October, we've been hearing about the Patriots being the best team ever. It's a ridiculous exercise. How can you compare the Steelers of the late 1970s with teams today that are bigger, faster, stronger, more technologically attuned to the demands and schemes? The real thing was the idea that the Patriots were going undefeated, which would put them in the rarefied air of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins (who apparently beat only 4 teams who finished the season over .500 in going 17-0). So everyone took the bait and believed that the Patriots were perfect and unmatchable. But, like in anything where you get only 1 shot, the upset happens far too frequently. Just ask the USC Trojans of 2005, or the 1996 ucla Bruins (who were upset by Princeton 43-41 in the NCAA Tournament a year after they won the crown), or the Pats beating the Rams, or the Marlins beating the Yankees in 2003, or the Red Sox reverse sweeping the Yanks in 2004. The point is, upsets are a large part of what makes sports great. If the favorite always won, it'd get boring quick. And that the underdog has to rely on the hand and helmet (and possibly a missed holding call) to make it a reality is why you know you'll be hearing about this game for years to come.

Am I sad the Patriots lost? In a way. Mainly because I wanted to see the historical 19-0 team finish in high fashion. But the history revealed might prove to be, as we look back in the months and years to come, just a little greater.

And with that, let's start talking baseball.

Signs That You're Growing Old, Or: What Was That On The Radio?!

Over time, or more accurately, because of time, you realize that you're getting older. Not necessarily old, but older. It starts with the little things, like perhaps watching half of a movie before realizing that you saw it once when you were 14. Although, those movie days were spent more sitting in the back than anything else. So maybe "seeing" the movie is just a technical term. But there's other things too. And one of the most obvious is finding yourself very set in your ways. What tv shows you'll watch. What radio stations you'll listen to. Discovering that you somehow morphed into a respectful, law-abiding driver (although I continue to believe that this last one is the result of living on a tropical island where there is no real need to drive fast or crazy). But the one that gets me is the "that was HOW long ago?"

I'm not talking about stuff like when the Magna Carta was signed (1297 A.D.). I'm talking about current stuff that just melts in with everything else and then you suddenly realize that Brett Favre won his only Super Bowl 11 years ago. I was talking with my good friend Steve this week, and the topic of some college football game came up. I can't even remember the teams. But Steve, who is but 22 years old, said that the game was from 1992 or 1993, while I was confident that it was 1996. And that's when I realized, man, time has just flown by! Obviously it hasn't, as I've piled on lots of experiences since 1996 (or especially 1992), but the rear view mirror has that distorting effect.

Why is this important? Well, my brother and his wife just welcomed their brand new son to the world this week. The delivery went well but then, a day after birth, young Brody developed a breathing problem and had to be rushed to the ICU. It seems now, several days later, that it was simply that his lungs hadn't cleared enough amniotic fluids (there were fears it was heart-related) and the latest report says that he's off oxygen now and they're hoping to take him off the IV today. It was a trying week for the whole family. My mom was completely strung out and I had difficulty staying focused in class, my mind returning often to thoughts of Brody and his parents and sisters. And that's when you realize what's important, and why, in the large view, who won the 1997 Rose Bowl, pales in comparison. And why I'm happy listening to my classic rock and reggae instead of trying to keep up with whoever Hollywood is trying to force down my throat. Brody doesn't need that stuff either. I like that simple world view. And it's one that I wish more people would embrace.

Random notes: Much thanks to my friend Ian for forwarding me my Celebrity Look-Alike. A brief explanation: my original look-alike worked pretty good, when you use a normal-looking photo of myself. Though I didn't get Tom Cruise (I've heard that resemblance from time to time over the years), I did get a few other guys who I looked a bit like, AND there weren't any girls. But I do have that winner of a picture from my time at Yale (I don't need to explain the black eye, only that I'm quite proud of earning it), and I couldn't help but find out how the program examined that one. Anne McCaffrey AND The Notorious B.I.G.? Excellent!

My Celebrity Look-Alikes, Or: How I'm Both an Old White Lady and The Notorious B.I.G.

The Secret Joys of Dentistry, Or: What I Just Purchased

Admit it. Every time you find yourself walking through the grocery store or pharmacy, and pass the toothbrush aisle, you catch a look at those powered toothbrushes. And then you think something along the lines of: "Six bucks? Who the hell would spend six bucks on a toothbrush!" Well, to answer that riddle, me. I would buy a powered toothbrush. And here's why: I've always wanted to play dentist.

The simple joy of toothbrushing has long passed from my nervous system. Perhaps the moment that my last baby tooth fell out and I could stick my tongue in the new space one last time and feel the brush curl over it as it went about its cleaning duties. Perhaps it was after my 7 wisdom teeth (I swear that that is completely true and accurate) were pulled and I had to spend a week only gargling because of all the stitch work needed. Whatever the case, dental hygiene is not something I put much thought into aside of the "my teeth feel like fur. Let's brush!" and "my breath smells like burning fur. Let's brush!" Within nanoseconds of brushing, I've forgotten the whole event took place (unless, of course, I used the awesomeness that is Listerine toothpaste. That stuff you can't help but notice for a good ten or fifteen minutes as it continues to tingle your mouth in that way that only Listerine can...)

And this is not to say that I have bad dental hygiene or a mean case of halitosis. I do not. Never had a cavity, despite being a completely lousy flosser. And like most people these days, I spend an inordinate amount of time and money gathering gums and mints to soothe the effects of coffee and garlic-based sauces. But, generally, you could not consider me to be a dental enthusiast. Until now. And it's all because of one tiny little vibrating toothbrush that cost me six bucks.

As perhaps a sign to my newly discovered passion, I still recall coming across my first powered toothbrush. It was owned by a friend of mine in Los Angeles who, as I recall, had some minor nerve issue or perhaps were susceptible to gum recession. The toothbrush was surely dentist-prescribed. And it cost perhaps $100. Which is ludicrous, until you realize that it's the primary tool in keeping your choppers for your entire life. I was intrigued, as most would be, at the powered toothbrush. Just as I was when I was little and, for play, liked to pull out my parents' water flosser (I wish I could recall its name) and shoot it into my mouth at high speeds and then around the bathroom like it was a machine gun. It can surely be said that I have long been subconsciously been fascinated with dental technology. I even enjoy going to the dentist's office. And one of my good friends from college grew in stature when I found out that he had finished dental school and was now an Army dentist (it does help that, during said dental school, he once got to assist in some work on the actress Tiffany Amber Thiessen, right as "Saved By The Bell" was reaching its end and she was popping up on various web sites in various gossamer outfits of the most revealing. Which is to say that I was very proud of him when he said, "I just had my fingers in Tiffany Amber Thiessen!" and we got a good laugh out of that and perhaps a bit more in our minds...)

Anyhow, back to the champion at hand. The powered toothbrush. It's an Oral-B (my preferred brand, although I do have lots of good things to say about Mentadent toothbrushes) and runs on one AA battery. Which probably won't last particularly long. And so now I have to start housing a surplus of batteries in my bathroom, which surely will make my roommate Euge curious. And, being two single guys, we've already had the obligatory discussion on other (im)practical uses that a vibrating toothbrush might be good for, especially for a certain segment of the general population. But, critically to me, the toothbrush is everything I could have asked for. I am a dentist with a buzzing tool in my maw. I feel fresher after brushing and decidedly happier. Partly because of the newness and partly because I somehow still have an automatic back-and-forth arm motion (I know that's not the proper arm movement, but, again, no cavities, ever.). All in all, it's pretty fun. I highly recommend it. In fact, I can't recommend it enough. Go out today and buy yourself a powered toothbrush. Beat. The Rush. You'll thank me later. And with a minty fresh, glowing white smile.

Finding The Best In Air Travel, Or: Why Miami International Airport Needs An Amputation

In case you haven't been through Miami International Airport (MIA, for reasons that will become abundantly clear in a second), the only appropriate way to describe it is: war zone. Since I relocated my life and livelihood to a more Caribbean angle, I have had the good fortune of flying through Miami pretty much every time I travel, as 1) MIA is the hub for American Airlines, 2) American, for all their flaws, is the only reliable airline I can travel down island on, and 3) the other option is to avoid Miami and fly through San Juan, Puerto Rico. Which is somehow both worse and better. But Miami is one-of-a-kind. And not in a good way. They continue to be under full construction in terminals C, D, and E. I think A might be done. And if you could manage to not have to re-clear through security, I could tell you about the wonders that certainly reside in terminals F, G, and H. But, as they say in Maine, "you can't get there from here."

The real reason to fly through Miami (if you're flying east-west) is to get what I like to call "the big plane". If you pick up San Juan, you're bound to get a turboprop. Which isn't so bad, except that a lot of the local travelers on said turboprops invariably applaud when the plane reaches its destination. Which is nice and fun in a "isn't that quaint?" sort of way, until you realize that the same people, when on the big plane to Miami, don't clap at all. Unless the ride sucked. So I like to avoid San Juan and the fearsome turboprops. That, and American likes to stick everyone in San Juan in a airport purgatory, what with losing luggage, canceling flights, and generally being late for most of the day. So, with gritted teeth, I pick Miami (unless I'm flying from New England, in which case, get a direct to San Juan and hope that 1.5 hours you bought flying direct aren't lost as you stand at Gate 1A (the commuter gate) watching as plane after plane gets canceled...)

Returning from my Christmas holiday (and a big Ups! to all my friends who I got a chance to see), I was on the 5:30 bigboy plane to Miami. Which was late. And when it did show up, it was painted in a retro 1950s decor. Or maybe, what with American re-organizing their maintenance schedule to save money and fend off bankruptcy, this was the last plane in the bullpen. All in all, the flight was nice and I managed to work on most of the crossword puzzle while also marvelling at the good luck of both 1) flying directly over my island house on takeoff (always a treat to see your home from the air), and 2) flying directly past South Caicos, TCI (a former residency nigh 10 years ago). It was as if American was treating me for all the abuse that would come from MIA in 2 hours time.

And I use "abuse" lightly here. Upon arriving, I discovered I had a relatively easy walk to my next plane. With all the construction going on, you can easily find yourself walking 20 minutes for a plane that is closing its doors in 15. And it was even out on the isolated bubble end of Terminal E, which is only accessible by tram (the only people mover at the airport). I discovered Terminal E gates 20-34 a few trips back when I was desperate for a restaurant serving beer and sandwiches (in that order). So I was naturally excited. But, being MIA, the tingling feeling was quickly lost. Gates 20-34 (I assuredly have been here before, now that I think about it, waiting for an international flight) is a cross between a Moroccan bazaar, a New York Subway, and an insane asylum. Every three seconds, the debilitating muzak (how's that for an adjective?) would get interuppted by a different gate attendant who, it seems, was literally screaming into their microphone to announce the departure of a flight to Montreal or Paris or Chicago or St. Louis. The decibel difference between the muzak and the announcements couldn't have been greater. And having fought an ear infection (from diving, mind you), it literally hurt. Add to this the idea that the design team decided to place a speaker roughly every three feet, so that no matter how self-reliant and responsible you were to make sure you didn't miss your flight, you couldn't find a quiet place anywhere. It was less than pleasing and definitely contributed to my overall discomfit when I finally boarded my connection and spent the next 2 hours bouncing over the Gulf of Mexico on my way back to Houston, a city that, at night, has all the charm of the future city depicted in Blade Runner.

Of course, while fighting off the urge to sleep, working on the remains of the crossword puzzle (I had to peek to finish), and wondering who is in charge of American's inflight entertainment (they were showing an episode of "Seventh Heaven" with a cast that 1) no longer included Jessica Biel, and 2) did include Ashlee Simpson. WTF?), I decided that there must be a way to fix MIA. Being that it's Miami, American home of the all-night dance club, if they're going to blast us with volume in a wondrously out-dated and worn-out 1950s decor waiting lounge, at least they could turn it into a dance club with some good music. With nary a tv in the joint, they could easily pull off a nice disco. It can't be any worse than what they got now.

Ranking the Football Conferences By Bowl Season (Part IV), Or: Why I'm An Unobjective Pac10 Fan

Pac-10: 4 – 2

Invitees: Arizona State, California, Oregon, Oregon State, ucla, USC
Bowl Invitations: Pioneer Las Vegas (ucla), Emerald (Oregon State), Pacific Life Holiday (Arizona State), Bell Helicopter Armed Forces (California), Brut Sun (Oregon), Rose Bowl (USC)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 3^rd
Overall Rank: 1^st

Again, I must admit that, as an alumnus of USC, I have a particular fondness for the Pac10. In a tier of rooting interests, I routinely cheer for Pac10 schools over any other opponent (unless the team is ucla). With the reflected aura of USC, the six invitations for the Pac10 were respectable, and the teams rose to the occasion. Only ASU (whooped by Texas) and ucla (lose on a blocked field goal attempt to BYU) lost. But no conference performed better. Compared to the SEC (who is trotted out annually as the “toughest” conference in the land, and then we’re forced to swallow it), the Pac10 was statistically superior, despite playing in 3 fewer games. The Pac10 schools +61 point differential compared to the SEC, which managed a +17 rating. Take just the winners? The Pac10 jumps to +80 while the SEC improves to +54, which is a nice jump. Yet, with three more games to play, the Pac10 still outscored the SEC by 37 points. And in the conference marquee invitations (Rose, Holiday and Emerald Bowls), the Pac10 went 3 – 0. Comparatively, the SEC went 2 – 2 (Cotton, Capital One, Sugar, BCS Championship). Yes, the SEC finagled a BCS Championship invite, but it’s not clear that they deserved it. Despite what those mouth-breathing LSU fans who continue to enjoy the shattered wit that is “Geaux Tigers!” Yes, LSU lost their two games in overtime. But those two losses accounted for over 100 points given up. That vaunted SEC defense? Not so much. But USC’s two losses? A quarterback with a broken hand who didn’t get benched despite 4 second-half interceptions (and yet, they still led until :11 seconds were left) and a tight game at Oregon with the back-up quarterback. You can argue all you want, but I say injuries, more than anything else, proved USC’s and the Pac10’s more generally (see: Oregon, ASU, Cal). Yet, healthy, they more than showed their mettle. And as I said, I couldn’t care less about ucla’s loss, and ASU did get their clocks cleaned. But is that any worse than Arkansas or Florida’s losses? I say no. Especially when Arkansas beat LSU and Florida is the defending champ. In essence, the SEC showed that their top teams are just good enough to lose (on average) but their middle of the table teams are pretty good against other middle-finishers. Congratulations. The SEC owns the mediocrity angle!

Meanwhile, the Pac10 gets to notch another Rose Bowl win, continue to gloat over the early-season Cal win over Tennessee, the generally superior nonconference schedule (Ohio State at USC after each gets a few tune-up games next season (USC opens at Virginia, while Ohio State is home to Youngstown State and Ohio before heading off to LA). Or do you seriously think that a 3-game homestand of North Texas, Troy, and TBD (OOH!) is more exciting? Don't forget LSU's big game against Tulane. Or the fact that they have 4 away games (Auburn, Florida, South Carolina, Arkansas). Again proving the point that LSU has, at best, to win 1 and possibly 2 big games (depending on the quality of Florida and Auburn next year). Meanwhile, USC continues to boast the impressive nonconference schedule that draws recruits (Virginia, Ohio State, Notre Dame - a team that cannot possibly be worse than the 3-9 squad they trotted out this season).

And that's why the Pac10 is the best conference in the country. Better nonconference schedule, more marquee wins, better offense, and a more difficult conference format to determine champion. Not to mention one great fight song.

Now, if only USC and Georgia had played...

Ranking the Football Conferences By Bowl Season (Part III), Or: Face It, The SEC Sucks

*Note: This is probably being published prior to the BCS Championship Game. It's predicated on the idea that LSU wins ugly over Ohio State.

Big-10: 3 – 4 (1 game remaining: Ohio State vs. LSU)

Invitees: Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Michigan State, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin
Bowl Invitations: Motor City (Purdue), Champs Sports (Michigan State), Valero Alamo (Penn State), Insight (Indiana), Outback (Wisconsin), Capital One (Michigan), Rose Bowl (Illinois), BCS Championship Game (Ohio State)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 2^nd
Overall Rank: 3^rd

Some people might suggest that since the Big10 Conference has fewer wins than the Big12, that the Big12 would be better. Not so. Just look at the Quality wins (not to mention the inclusion in the BCS championship game). Sure, Illinois decided that defense and O-line blocking wasn’t important to get ready for USC (they lost 49 – 17, with one touchdown coming on a kick return). And Indiana got whooped by Oklahoma State in the Insight Bowl, 49 – 33. And Wisconsin lost to Tennessee 21 – 17 in the Outback Bowl. And Michigan State loses the Champs Sports Bowl to BC, 24 – 21. But Purdue, who got suckered into the Motor City Bowl, won an entertaining affair over the Central Michigan Chippewas 51 – 48. That’s pride. And we already discovered not to taunt JoePa’s mortality. And best of all? Michigan closing out Florida in a great Capital One Bowl, 41 – 35. The same Florida team who was defending national champs. The same Florida that sported a Heisman at quarterback in Tim Tebow. The same Florida team that was an odds-on favorite against a team that never looked as tough after losing to (eventual 1AA National Champs) Appalachian State. So good for the Wolverines. We learned a few things in that game. 1) On an even field (health, preparation time, etc.) the upper tier of the Big10 is at least the equal of the SEC or the Big12 (see: Mizzou over Arkansas). Now, if only we could have had Wisco win their game to support such an argument. And 2) Tim Tebow will not be a good quarterback in the NFL, and is barely serviceable in college when you apply pressure and make him react to you. Is he a good quarterback? I’d say “most days”. But when Chad Henne got your number, well, you can’t be that good. Unless, of course, Henne turns into the next Tom Brady in the NFL next year.

The SEC: 6 – 2 (1 game remaining: LSU vs. Ohio State)

Invitees: Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, LSU, Mississippi State, Tennessee
Bowl Invitations: Autozone Liberty (Mississippi State), PetroSun Independence (Alabama), Gaylord Hotels Music City (Kentucky), Chick-Fil-A (Auburn), Outback (Tennessee), Cotton (Arkansas), Capital One (Florida), AllState Sugar (Georgia), BCS Championship (LSU)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 1st
Overall Rank: 2nd

The thing with the SEC is that, every year, everyone starts hooting and hollering how tough the SEC is. Which is a circuitous way of apologizing for why they play cupcakes for their non-conference schedules. Don’t believe me? Here’s a list, sorted by final division standings:

SEC East: (Nonconference Record: 21 – 3)

Georgia (6-2) – Oklahoma State (W), Western Carolina (W), Troy (W), at Georgia Tech (W)
Tennessee (6-2) – at Cal (L), S. Mississippi (W), Arkansas St. (W), Louisiana- Lafayette (W)
Florida (5-3) – Western Kentucky (W), Troy (W), Florida Atlantic (W), Florida State (W)
Kentucky (3-5) – Eastern Kentucky (W), Kent State (W), Louisville (W), Florida Atlantic (W)
S. Carolina (3-5) – La.-Lafayette (W), S. Carolina St. (W), at N. Carolina (W), Clemson (L)
Vanderbilt (2-6) – Richmond (W), E. Michigan (W), Miami of Ohio (W), Wake Forest (L)

SEC East Nonconference Home Record: 19 – 2
SEC East Nonconference Away Record: 2 – 1

Cupcake Schools (10 schools, 14 games): W. Carolina, Troy, Arkansas State, Louisiana-Lafayette, Western Kentucky, Florida Atlantic, E. Kentucky, Kent State, South Carolina State, Richmond, Eastern Michigan

Schools that “Might” Be Good When Scheduled (7 schools, 7 games): Oklahoma State, Southern Mississippi, Louisville, North Carolina, Clemson, Miami of Ohio, Wake Forest

Legitimate Nonconference Contests (3 schools, 3 games): Florida State, Georgia Tech, Cal

Takeaway Message on the SEC East: They played exactly 1 team (Cal) who ended up being a good team with a long bad-luck streak this year. And lost. Yes, Florida State has some residual aura about them, but it was a down year for them, as it was for Georgia Tech. And FSU is showing symptoms of long-term mediocrity. Oklahoma State is hardly the pride of the Big12 and there’s nary a Big10 school on the list. Fact is, they schedule patticakes.

SEC West (Nonconference Record: 20 – 4)

LSU (6-2) – Virginia Tech (W), Middle Tennessee (W), at Tulane (W), Louisiana Tech (W)
Auburn (5-3) – Kansas St. (W), S. Florida (L), New Mexico State (W), Tennessee Tech (W)
Arkansas (4-4) – Troy (W), North Texas (W), Chattanooga (W), Florida International (W),
Mississippi State (4-4) – at Tulane (W), Gardner-Webb (W), UAB (W), at West Virginia (L),
Alabama (4-4) – W. Carolina (W), at Florida State (L), Houston (W), Louisiana-Monroe (W)
Ole Miss (0-8) – at Memphis (W), Missouri (L), Louisiana Tech (W), Northwestern State (W)

SEC West Nonconference Home Record: 17 – 2
SEC West Nonconference Away Record: 3 – 2

Cupcake Schools (16 schools, 18 games): Middle Tennessee, Tulane, Louisiana Tech, New Mexico State, Tennessee Tech, Troy, North Texas, Chattanooga, Florida International, Gardner-Webb, UAB, W. Carolina, Houston, Louisiana-Monroe, Memphis, Northwestern State

Schools that “Might” Be Good When Scheduled (2 schools, 2 games): Kansas State, South Florida

Legitimate Nonconference Contests (4 schools, 4 games): Virginia Tech, Florida State, Missouri, West Virginia

Takeaway Message on the SEC West: They played 2 BCS teams, going 1 – 1. But in those legitimate nonconference games, they went 1 – 3, losing to FSU, Mizzou and West Virginia. And that win over VaTech is pretty weak, once you saw them roll over their sword against Kansas in the FedEx Orange Bowl. Note again the complete lack of a Big10 school. And that name-brand West Virginia game? Scheduled by mighty Mississippi State.

So is the SEC any good? Or is their greatness equal parts weak scheduling (for the most part) and some timely wins rather than any real great season-long effort? I’d say that you can’t defend the SEC that strongly. Yes, they have good teams. But like the rich kid up the block, they only come out to play once in a great while and as a result, you end thinking their toys are all the greater when you do see them. Unless of course for the times that they lose, like in the Tennessee loss to Cal. In which case, you quietly change the subject and hope everyone forgets.

Another way to look at it, is to lump the whole conference together:

Overall Record: 89 – 57 {46 – 27 (SEC-East), 43 – 30 (SEC-West)} .610 win%
Overall Interdivision Wins: SEC-East 10 - 8 SEC-West
Overall Conference Record: {25 – 23 (SEC-East), 23 – 25 (SEC-West)}
Overall Nonconference Record: 41 – 7 (.850 win%, 46% of overall wins)

Some important things immediately jump to mind. 1) Their nonconference schedule is almost exclusively home games (40 out of 48 games). Which shouldn’t be surprising, given what they’d pay to small schools to come to their home field. 2) Their nonconference schedule is nearly devoid of major conference schools (only 13 schools) or schools that ended up making a bowl berth (16 teams). 3) Their record nonconference is 41 – 9. But against major conference schools? Big East champion West Virginia? Loss. Pac10 Runnerup Cal? Loss. ACC trainwreck Florida State? 1 – 1.

Item 4) There's only 18 interdivision games, which slightly favored the SEC-East this year 10 wins to 8 for the SEC-West. This is possibly due entirely to the presence of Ole Miss in the SEC-West. But the interdivision schedules are hardly balanced. The way the divisions work, all conference games count towards your division total, with tie breakers first being determined in head-to-head and then inter-division records. So it's conceivable to lose no interdivision games and not make the conference championship (see: Georgia). And it's equally conceivable to lose the right mix of division and interdivision games and take a tie-breaker (see: Tennessee). I'm not saying that you can be a total conference dog, but if you win 4 of your division games, chances are you're in the running to for a tie-breaker. 5 wins and you're in. Tennessee and LSU won 4. Georgia won 3. The point is: interdivision games mean very little so long as you clean up your division (thereby winning crucial tie-breakers). Just ask Georgia, who went 3-0 against the SEC-West and somehow didn't make the conference championships, thanks to an early surprise loss home to South Carolina that cemented a second place finish when they lost at Tennessee a month later.

The 5^th and final thing that jumps to mind is that the SEC teams EACH get 4 nonconference games. Which leaves them 8 conference games. 9 for the lucky two who get to the championship game (more on that in a second). Since there are 11 other conference teams, that means they play only 72% of their conference in any given year. But that’s not exactly true, since you must play everyone inside your division (that’s 5 games). Leaving you 3 games against the other division. So you face 50% of the other division. So, if the schedule gods are nice, you might get two patsies (pick from Vanderbilt or South Carolina in the SEC-East; Ole Miss, Alabama, or Mississippi State in the SEC-West) or a tough team at home (see: Kentucky 43 – 37 LSU). In any event, in the conference that complains that it’s too difficult to go undefeated, they say you have to win 7 conference games to lock up a spot in the conference championship. Or this year, just 6. Either way, it’s nobody but the SEC’s fault that they have a (money-generating) conference championship. Cut out one nonconference game, and rotate through one team in your division that you don’t play each year, and suddenly you need 8 conference wins to be legitimate. Plus, it greatly changes the benefits of playing Ole Miss if you aren't assured that game year after year (as half of the SEC gets now...) You get to choose which 4 teams from each division (out of 9 games) that would be. You're still able to lose 1 game. But beating exactly half of the conference PLUS one conference championship game (which may or may not be a rematch) is, in my book, garbage. And it’s 2 or 3 fewer games than the Pac10 or Big10 champ have to win to clinch their championship-game-having conferences.

Still need more proof that the SEC is geared to win one game (a gamble that USC, Cal, Oregon, West Virginia, Michigan, Virginia Tech, Missouri, etc. would gladly have then their current regular season schedules)? Look no further than Tennessee’s 45 – 31 loss to Cal for what they dread about nonconference games. Too much risk. But, in addition to those 4 patsies they “can” schedule, they get to add in Ole Miss (who could only win nonconference games), Vanderbilt (2 – 6 in conference), and South Carolina (3 – 5 in conference), and the top challengers to the SEC crown are at 5 or 6 wins before they even play a single good game, and potentially 2-0 in their division, meaning they have to only win 2 of 3 games. Don't believe me? Look at the results. Though the year was screwy in general for football, pretty much all you needed to do in the SEC was win one clutch game and then let the deck reshuffle itself and find where you sit. That's how Tennessee made it. And LSU. And why Georgia was left out. Florida choked to Auburn, and lost to LSU and Georgia. They're out. And yet, they still finished with 9 wins. Auburn is still shaking their head over Mississippi State's 19-14 upset . Two other losses to LSU and Georgia finished their season. With 8 wins. Georgia got to 10 wins. But their two losses will forever haunt them. They lost their spot to a team (Tennessee) with one fewer regular season win AND (therefore) one more loss. And both get to look at LSU preen on a national stage NOT because their 10-2 regular season record (identical to Georgia) was any better, but mainly because: West Virginia lost to Pittsburgh, USC lost to Stanford, Oregon decided to make an ambulance the team bus, Kansas lost to Missouri who lost to Oklahoma, Boston College lost to Florida State and Maryland in back-to-back weeks, and nobody had the guts to stick an undefeated Hawaii in the BCS Title Game. So tell me LSU is better. Go ahead. At least if Tennessee had beaten LSU, Georgia wouldn't have an argument. Instead, it's a "they just didn't schedule us" argument. Which is no argument for determining who is a better team.

Need numbers? Let’s take out those 41 nonconference wins, and the 21 wins over the bottom of the SEC. That’s 62 wins (practically) guaranteed. What does that leave the SEC minus the bottom feeders? A pedestrian 29 – 31. Georgia, LSU, and Tennessee have 18 of those wins.

How is this a good conference again? They beat up on weak DivIAA teams and have 3 more games against in-conference cupcakes. Given that they have 12 teams and cannot possibly play each other without giving up that lucrative Troy or Gardner-Webb home game, they play to win one game more than half of their remaining 5 conference games. Getting them to the magical 6 – 2 conference record shared by Georgia, Tennessee, and LSU. It’s a joke.

Just to prove I’m not a total Pac10 snob, I did the same analysis for the Pac10. These are all their non-conference games (sorted by final conference standings):

USC (7-2) – Idaho (W), at Nebraska (W), at Notre Dame (W)
ASU (7-2) – San Jose State (W), Colorado (W), San Diego State (W)
Oregon State (6-3) – Utah (W), at Cincinnati (L), Idaho State (W)
Oregon (5-4) – Houston (W), at Michigan (W), Fresno State (W)
ucla (5-4) – BYU (W), at Utah (L), Notre Dame (L)
Arizona (4-5) – at BYU (L), Northern Arizona (W), New Mexico (L)
Cal (3-6) – Tennessee (W), at Colorado State (W), Louisana Tech (W)
Washington State (3-6) – at Wisconsin (L), San Diego State (W), Idaho (W)
Stanford (3-6) – San Jose State (W), TCU (L), Notre Dame (L)
Washington (2-7) – at Syracuse (W), Boise State (W), Ohio State (L), at Hawaii (L)

Overall Record: 67 – 54 (.554 win %)
NonConference Record: 21 – 10 (.677 win%, 31% of overall wins)

Cupcakes Schools (7 schools, 10 games): Idaho, San Jose State, San Diego State, Idaho State, Houston, Northern Arizona, Louisiana Tech

Schools the “Might” Be Good When Scheduled (12 schools, 16 games): Nebraska, Notre Dame, Colorado, Utah, Cincinnati, Fresno St., BYU, New Mexico, Boise St., TCU, Colorado St., Syracuse

Legitimate Nonconference Contests (5 schools, 5 games): Michigan, Tennessee, Wisconsin, Ohio State, Hawaii (potentially this year only)

This is the difference between winning the Pac10 and the SEC. Nearly half of your games won in the SEC come from out of conference, whereas one-third count for the Pac10. Ergo: Conference games mean more in the Pac10, which is why you have to win more Pac10 games to be conference champion. Usually, it’s 8 wins out of 9. And, with the nice balance of 10 teams, you play everyone, every year. This year, being as topsy-turvy as it was, 7 wins was enough. Which is exactly the same that LSU needed to be conference champion (and the same number of conference losses). The difference is, it’s far more likely to win the SEC with 7 wins than the Pac10 in any given year. Have the good fortune to be in the “weak” division, sweep those opponents and then go 1 – 2 against the other division, and you’re in the conference championship! Or even better, go 0 – 3 against the other division and you’re still in! Want to know the last time a Pac10 team with 3 conference losses won the Rose Bowl invitation? Never. Last time an SEC team with 3 conference losses was crowned champ? How about 2001? The team? LSU.

Yes, there is good football in the SEC and a lot of good teams. But in a super-conference like the SEC which has to split the conference into divisions, you can sneak through the weaker division and then win the conference championship, having never played the top teams. Or, alternately, you can be frozen out by a silly tie-breaker rule that saw Tennessee take Georgia’s rightful place in the SEC Championship Game, who then proceeded to lose a tough one to LSU. But you can’t say that the SEC is flat-out the best conference in the country. There are a million arguments why LSU doesn’t belong in the BCS Championship Game to counter the million arguments why they do belong. Fortunately, Ohio State gets to help sort that out. But in the rest of their extensive bowl season (9 total games), they tended to fizzle when it mattered most (see: Florida, Arkansas). The second-tier games were where they shined, winning all five of those contests. And while I like Georgia, their 41 – 10 win over Hawaii proved nothing to me except for the sad fact that Hawaii, though undefeated when they arrived, was not a Top-10 team in the country. They were a better fit at the Holiday Bowl.

And when you think about it, the BCS Series of bowl games is designed to get the 10 best teams to play each other, with the purported top two getting the coveted Championship Game. Yet this year, the BCS sported a spotted record of guaranteeing that the other 8 slots went to the other 8 best teams. Which is why the BCS is such a puzzle to figure out. How do you guarantee the at-large bids (Kansas, Georgia, Illinois) are the right choices? The fact is that you can’t. And with money being the motivator of the bowl season, chances are any future changes will be cosmetic. And worse, given the relationships still maintained by conferences and bowls, you still get stuck with USC-Illinois and Georgia-Hawaii when pretty much anyone would agree that USC-Georgia is a much better match-up. Wherever it would be played.

My solution? Get rid of the Blue-Grey and Senior Bowl games (which totally repudiates the “their season is already too long for a playoff system” excuse) and have a +1 game. Let the five BCS bowl games play out (we’ll call the Capital One or Cotton Bowl the 5^th game), and then choose through some crazy formula who gets the two spots for the championship game. It’s really no different than right now, if you think about it. But it does require at least one round of playing a real nonconference game, something we see too little of, if at all. Which would leave us with: Georgia, USC, Kansas, West Virginia, and LSU. Any of those pairings would be 1) guaranteed money and tv ratings, and 2) an improvement on picking the pair in November before any team gets a chance to get healthy and show themselves one more time (USC), redeem themselves from unlikely or late-season losses (Kansas, Georgia, West Virginia), or prove that they are more than the focus of an echo chamber situated somewhere over the Southeast (LSU). So why not?

Ranking the Football Conferences By Bowl Season (Part II), Or: Why I Like the Big10 More Than The Big12

SunBelt Conference: 1 – 0

Invitees: Florida Atlantic
Bowl Invitations: R+L Carriers New Orleans
Bowl Invitations Rank: 11^th
Overall Rank: 7^th

I don’t have much to say about Florida Atlantic, who earned the SunBelt’s conference championship by defeating rival Troy in the last week of the regular season. Yes, I will call them a cupcake in the SEC nonconference buffet line (more on that later). Yes, their bowl game is dreadful. The prize was the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, a bowl game so awfully named that they felt the need to include the host city’s name in an effort to generate interest. Which for sure worked. You’d think that, with R+L Carriers as the sponsor, the game would have been in, say, Texarkana. But New Orleans is a legit bowl destination and now, thanks to Florida Atlantic defeating Memphis handily 44 – 27, they alone can brag that their conference finished the bowl season undefeated. Take that SEC! And compared to Navy, they won, so they get the coveted 7th spot in the rankings.

Big-12: 5 – 3

Invitees: Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech
Bowl Invitations: PetroSun Independence (Colorado), Pacific Life Holiday (Texas), Insight (Oklahoma State), Konica Minolta Gator (Texas Tech), Cotton (Missouri), Tostitos Fiesta (Oklahoma), FedEx Orange (Kansas)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 7^th
Overall Rank: 6^th

This is the problem, in a nutshell, of the Big-12 Conference. Because the conference is split unevenly (in terms of strength and national recognition), the whole conference sucks and can lead to idiotic events like Oklahoma earning a national title appearance despite not making their conference championship, as they did in the 2005 FedEx Orange Bowl. This year, the Big12-South (Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State) was again the powerhouse, but a couple of schools got a little frisky up in the Big12-North (Kansas, Mizzou, Colorado) and messed things up since their records somehow or another don’t determine who gets to the conference championship. And go figure how it all turns out. The “mighty” Big12-South winds up going 3 – 2 while the weaker Big12-North goes 2 – 1. So, all in all, it looks pretty successful for the Big12 as a whole, right? Wrong!

The Big12 was the most uneven competitors for a conference that finished their bowl season above .500. Colorado beat Oklahoma early in the year, yet in the end, Oklahoma waxes Mizzou (38 – 17) in the Big12 championship game for a second time (the first win was 41 – 31). Yet Kansas, who lost to Mizzou in the last week of the regular season 36 – 28, magically earns a FedEx Orange bowl bid, over Mizzou. So you know, if you follow the Big12 at all, what this means. Mizzou is going to murder their bowl opponent and Oklahoma, Big12 “Champion” will choke in their BCS game (they remain winless in BCS games). As I often quote, “you can’t spell rout without OU”. Or this gem (admittedly not mine): “Why does OU coach Bob Stoops eat his Cheerios on a plate? If they were in a bowl, he’d lose them!” The one question mark? Kansas, my 2007 “Most Overrated Team in College Football”, who fortunately got to play ACC Jeckyll - Hyde team Virginia Tech.

Of course, Oklahoma loses to West Virginia in a great Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. To recap, the “vaunted” OU defense gave up 4 touchdowns over the 3^rd and 4^th quarters in 12 plays, covering 263 yards in 5:31 seconds of time. 525 yards total offense (349 yards rushing!). They went from being down 20-15 to losing 48-28. Awesome job, Big12 chump… uh, champ! What is that, 4 BCS losses in a row, Coach Stoops? Meanwhile, conference also-rans Kansas and Mizzou (both from the Big12 North) both take their opportunities and win their own games. I admit, I was surprised by Kansas’ 24 – 21 win over VaTech, since I thought they’d get clobbered. But when you read the highlights, you discover that it was a combination of a bad VaTech offense and some timely turnovers, including an interception return for a touchdown. So the Jayhawks offense wasn’t anything special. But their defense? A+. Given how Mizzou was snubbed by the BCS committees as Big12 runner-up (or, alternately, Big12-North Champ), I wasn’t surprised at their performance. They crushed SEC whinger Arkansas (who beat LSU… more on the SEC in a bit) in the “How Dare You Pick Kansas Over Us, FedEx People?” Bowl (also known as the Cotton Bowl, which, like the Capital One Bowl, dresses like a BCS bowl game but is not). So, in the big name games, they go 2 – 1, but (again) the Big12 Champ loses. Perhaps Oklahoma should just perform a few rules violations (again) and become bowl ineligible. For the good of the conference.

In the second-tier games, the Big12 was a little more solid. Though it pains me to say as such, Texas looked good against Arizona State in the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl, played in beautiful San Diego. Oklahoma State and Texas Tech picked up some nice wins in some crappily-named bowls (the Insight and Konica Minolta Gator Bowls, respectively), but that effort was spoiled first by the idiotic cheer by some Aggie yell leader to get a casket for Joe Paterno, and then cemented when JoePa and his Nittany Lions of Penn State slapped Texas A&M silly 24 – 17 in the Valero Alamo Bowl, played just a scant 145 miles from the A&M campus in College Station. Add in the awful 30 – 24 loss by Colorado (who beat Oklahoma) to Alabama in the hideous PetroSun Independence Bowl and the big doozie made by Oklahoma’s Olé Defense and the Big12 is shown to be large. And mediocre. To recap: 2 nice win (Texas and Kansas), 1 throwdown win (Mizzou), 2 okay wins, and 3 bed-crappers.

Mountain West Conference: 4 – 1

Invitees: Air Force Academy, BYU, New Mexico, Utah, Texas Christian
Bowl Invitations: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (Utah), Pioneer Las Vegas (BYU), New Mexico (New Mexico), Texas (TCU), Bell Helicopter Armed Forces (Air Force)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 5th
Overall Rank: 5th

"You put the MWC fifth?!! You are crazy!" I know, but hear me out. They won 80% of their bowl games. They had the best record of any conference with at at least 5 invitations, and matched the Pac10 for total bowl wins. The MWC has some real football teams, especially TCU. We don’t need to return to the Utah win over Navy. BYU, undefeated conference champion has their season every few years and the Air Force Academy recently sported a high-scoring spread offense. Only the Air Force failed, coming up short 42 – 36 to a strong Cal team looking for redemption from a dreadful season (they finished 7th in the Pac10) in the dreadful-sounding Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. Air Force was a logical fit for such a sponsor and indeed was perhaps the intended market, yet Cal proved too strong. Unfortunately, nobody cares about the New Mexico or Texas Bowls and so the MWC will have to wait for next year before getting another shot at a stronger invitation.

Big East: 2 – 3

Invitees: Cincinnati, Rutgers, University of Connecticut, U. South Florida, West Virginia
Bowl Invitations: International (Rutgers), Papajohns.com (Cincinnati), Meineke Car Care (UConn), Brut Sun (South Florida), Tostitos Fiesta (West Virginia)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 4^th
Overall Rank: 4^th

In reality, the Big East should be ranked lower. Ever since Virginia Tech, Boston College and U.Miami left the Big East, football in the northeast has been spotty. After all, the Big East is, like its ACC counterpart, a basketball conference. Football-wise, they have 8 teams. Basketball? 16 teams! But 5 of those 8 teams were bowl eligible. Not bad! And when the spotlight is brightest, they rise to the challenge. So West Virginia’s win over Oklahoma is enough to call the bowl season a success throughout the conference. UConn made it to a bowl game (though they lost to Wake Forest). And Cincinnati sucked up their pride and played well in the papajohns.com Bowl, defeating former CUSA mate Southern Miss 31 – 21. But they had a real laugher in the Brut Sun Bowl, where U.Miami replacement South Florida got smoked by the same Oregon team that was hemorrhaging starters a month ago 56 – 21. And yes, it was the Brut Sun Bowl, played in gorgeous El Paso, Texas. Since cheap men’s cologne and football make such a perfect pairing. Or didn’t you get the memo?

Ranking the Football Conferences By Bowl Season (Part I): Or, Why I'm saving the Pac10 and SEC for the end...

So a quick explanation: 64 Teams, 32 Bowl Games, 11 Conferences (plus 1 Independent). In the Spirit of All Things Ranked, I'll Go from Bottom to Top. Feel free to disagree or agree. I know that your opinion is no more valid than mine and so I shall be free to ignore it with obnoxious refutations or embrace it with obnoxious exaltations. Onto the Awards!

(for each, conference name followed by 2007-2008 bowl record...)

The MAC: 0 – 3

Invitees: Ball State, Bowling Green, Central Michigan
Bowl Invitations: Motor City (Central Michigan), International (Ball State), GMAC (Bowling Green)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 12^th
Overall Rank: 12^th

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of the MAC. In basketball. But in football, the MAC is the equivalent to kind of cute girl in high school who didn’t just get a reputation, but earned one. So feverish to get as many bowl games as possible for an admittedly minor conference, they’ve gone and taken the three worst bowl games available. The Motor City Bowl offers up all the charm and ambiance of Detroit, Michigan in the dead of winter. The International Bowl is played in Toronto, home of the 110 yard, 3-down variety of football. On the Saturday afternoon when the NFL playoffs begin. And it gets worse, as the GMAC is billing itself as the nuts course on Sunday, following the second day of NFL playoffs. Oh, and the game is in Mobile, Alabama. A sure enough city to visit if you’re into history and the march for civil rights. But a minor hiccup of a football game? Sorry. These three collective bowls would not be missed. Except by the MAC.

Now, as I will state later on, it’s one thing to offer yourself promiscuously to the various bowl invitation committees, trying to win as many invites as possible. It’s another thing to lose each invitation. But it’s truly awful when each losing team gives up at least 50 points in the process. Central Michigan (MAC Champ) loses 51 – 48 to Purdue in the Motor City Bowl, a game that can only be described as “wildly interesting”. Not so wildly interesting are Ball State’s 52 – 30 loss in Toronto to Rutgers. Or Bowling Green giving up 56 more points than they scored to Tulsa, losing 63 – 7. Tulsa? The Division I school with the most inexplicable nickname (the Golden Hurricanes? They have hurricanes in Tulsa?). Yes, that’s right. The same Tulsa squad that lost to Oklahoma 62 – 21, now owns the “biggest blowout in bowl history”. So to recap: the MAC was outscored in only three bowl games 166 – 85. And only once looked frisky.

Conference-USA: 2 – 4

Invitees: Central Florida, East Carolina, Houston, Memphis, Southern Mississippi, Tulsa
Bowl Invitations: GMAC (Tulsa), R+L Carriers New Orleans (Memphis), Papajohns.com (Southern Miss), Autozone Liberty (Central Florida), Sheraton Hawaii (East Carolina), Texas (Houston)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 10^th
Overall Rank: 11^th

The only thing worse than being the slightly cute high school girl who earns a reputation is being her sluttier, uglier younger sister. CUSA, as they abbreviate themselves, will take any bowl invitation, whether it’s in Mobile, Houston, Birmingham, or Memphis. Though Honolulu is a nice feather for the conference champ East Carolina. If Baltimore offered a bowl game, for sure CUSA would be clamoring over that one too. Though the conference is young and in a seemingly endless transitional state, it remains more of a who's who of forgotten second-rate schools who every now and then have a good year and get a bit of press. At which point, they promptly leave for a better conference (see: Cincinnati). Think Memphis would love to move into the ACC? You bet!

Now, no disrespect to their one big win (sorry Tulsa. 63 – 7 over Bowling Green in the GMAC Bowl does not count). East Carolina 41 - 38 Boise State in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl. Not a bad win for ECU, given Boise State’s prominent place on the edge of the radar over the past several years (and following their undefeated 2006 season). Boise State, of course, is famous for both surprising Oklahoma in last year's Tostitos Fiesta Bowl to complete that 13-0 record (the Statue of Liberty play followed by the proposal and the Fox Sports sideline reporter falling all over himself to get in on it and pretty much ruin the moment just like Fox Sports likes to do with pretty much everything else (see: World Series and pretty much all other baseball coverage, NFL Playoffs, and the infamous Glo-Puck experiment), and their Blue Turf. But ECU? Their team mascot is a Mardi Gras drag queen pirate decked in purple. Of course, there are other universities that embrace purple, to varying degrees of success (TCU, U.Washington and Northwestern offer a nice gradient of football). Arrgh, matey! Drop the purple and the cartoon pirate! Oregon already has Disney covered with their duck mascot!

As for CUSA’s losers? Central Florida (10 - 3 to Miss.State in the exciting Autozone Liberty Bowl), Memphis (44 - 27 Florida Atlantic in the taut R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl!), Southern Miss (31 - 21 Cincinnati at the papajohns.com Bowl), and Houston (20 - 13 TCU in the eponymous Texas Bowl). How many out there even knew Southern Miss was in the CUSA? The point is, if you get six bowl bids (just like, say, the Pac-10), they better be either namebrand bowl games or you better win. CUSA did neither. My bet is no player on Memphis team will ever wear their R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl gear. And if they give it to Katrina efforts, it’ll probably still sit in boxes.

The WAC: 1 – 3

Invitees: Boise State, Fresno State, Hawaii, Nevada
Bowl Invitations: Sheraton Hawaii (Boise State), Roady’s Humanitarian (Fresno State), New Mexico (Nevada), AllState Sugar (Hawaii)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 8^th
Overall Rank: 10^th

Any conference that continues to throw a bid to the Humanitarian Bowl (played outside in Boise) gets an extra point for me. Even when the Humanitarian Bowl is sponsored by a chain of highway rest areas. I’m not joking. And apart of the New Mexico Bowl, where Nevada lost to New Mexico (did they see it coming?), the other venues were respectable. Honolulu? Check. BCS game in New Orleans? CheckCheckCheck. Yet it seems that this WAC season was being rewarded partly because of last season (when Boise State went undefeated) and the potential to do it again with Hawaii. But you can’t go to the well too often. Simply put, the WAC was out of whack this year. Boise State got poisoned in Hawaii again and Hawaii simply had no business being in the Sugar Bowl. Add in Nevada getting goose-egged 23-0 to New Mexico in the "New Mexico Bowl" and it's pretty depressing.

The ACC: 2 - 6

Invitees: Boston College, Clemson, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Maryland, Virginia, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest
Bowl Invitations: Emerald (Maryland), Champs Sports (Boston College), Meineke Car Care (Wake Forest), Roady’s Humanitarian (Georgia Tech), Gaylord Hotels Music City (Florida State), Chick-Fil-A (Clemson), Konica Minolta Gator (Virginia), FedEx Orange (Virginia Tech)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 9^th
Overall Rank: 9^th

I don’t get why the ACC got 8 games. Of course, the better question is why there are 32 bowl games. But all other things being equal, the majority of those 8 teams are destined to be whipping boys. And they were. The ACC is a basketball conference. We know this. Despite bringing in U. Miami of Florida, Virginia Tech and purported football school Boston College. Since when is a win over U. Miami of Florida in 1984 all the cred you need to be a football school? I don't get it. But then again, in Boston, your other choices for football are BU and Harvard. Though I bet MIT has a great punting unit. Miami didn’t qualify for a bowl (thank the lords!) with their 5 – 7 record. But BC wins (24 - 21 over Michigan State, another wannabe "football" school), so things are looking good for the ACC, right? Wrong! Other than that, you got Wake Forest covering 24 - 10 over UConn, a school that has had a program for like 3 years. Their six losers? VaTech, Florida State, Maryland, Clemson, Virginia, and Georgia Tech, who got swatted by annual underdog Fresno State 40 - 28, in a game not nearly as close as it sounds. Clemson lost in overtime to severely overrated SEC middle-of-the-packer Auburn. FSU sat at least 13 players for academic violations (nice job, Coach Bowden and friends!) and got pasted by Kentucky. Maryland lost by a touchdown to a young Oregon State team and Virginia lost a tough one at the incredibly named Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl to Texas Tech, 31 – 28. And worst of all, in a game that seemed theirs for the taking, VaTech roared out to a 17 – 0 deficit against Kansas in the FedEx Orange Bowl and then managed to almost come all the way back, losing 24 – 21. It’s been a tough year for the Hokies, and a win would have been a nice way to close that chapter and move forward. Instead they are the trivia answer to the question: “Kansas, the most overrated team in the 2007 football season, won the FedEx Orange bowl. Who did they beat?”

Independents: 0 – 1

Invitee: Naval Academy
Bowl Invitations: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Bowl Invitations Rank: 6^th
Overall Rank: 8^th

Now I must begin by saying my dad went to the Naval Academy, so this ranking reflects that. But seriously: if I said "would you rather play a semi-worthless bowl game in San Diego or El Paso?" which would you pick? San Diego or Mobile? Or Birmingham? Or Memphis? Or Houston? Detroit? Boise? Shreveport? Orlando? I'll give you New Orleans, but only for the Sugar Bowl. No matter how awful-sounding the San Diego Country Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl sounds (and it sounds awful and is a mouthful), the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl is worse. So San Diego it is. It's just too bad that they had to go and lose. Not the best way to end the season that saw them beat Air Force and Army for a sixth consecutive year and beat (a broken) Notre Dame squad for the first time since the Kennedy Administration. So after choking a veritable home game, they probably realized "Hey! We're not in Mobile or Shreveport! Let's head downtown and pick up some chicks!" I know this because I have Naval Academy alumni friends (and family). And every last one of them is an absolute hormonal terror on the town. Which makes me wonder about my dad and how he met my mom. Perhaps it's best to just move on...