Ranking the Football Conferences By Bowl Season (Part III), Or: Face It, The SEC Sucks

*Note: This is probably being published prior to the BCS Championship Game. It's predicated on the idea that LSU wins ugly over Ohio State.

Big-10: 3 – 4 (1 game remaining: Ohio State vs. LSU)

Invitees: Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Michigan State, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin
Bowl Invitations: Motor City (Purdue), Champs Sports (Michigan State), Valero Alamo (Penn State), Insight (Indiana), Outback (Wisconsin), Capital One (Michigan), Rose Bowl (Illinois), BCS Championship Game (Ohio State)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 2^nd
Overall Rank: 3^rd

Some people might suggest that since the Big10 Conference has fewer wins than the Big12, that the Big12 would be better. Not so. Just look at the Quality wins (not to mention the inclusion in the BCS championship game). Sure, Illinois decided that defense and O-line blocking wasn’t important to get ready for USC (they lost 49 – 17, with one touchdown coming on a kick return). And Indiana got whooped by Oklahoma State in the Insight Bowl, 49 – 33. And Wisconsin lost to Tennessee 21 – 17 in the Outback Bowl. And Michigan State loses the Champs Sports Bowl to BC, 24 – 21. But Purdue, who got suckered into the Motor City Bowl, won an entertaining affair over the Central Michigan Chippewas 51 – 48. That’s pride. And we already discovered not to taunt JoePa’s mortality. And best of all? Michigan closing out Florida in a great Capital One Bowl, 41 – 35. The same Florida team who was defending national champs. The same Florida that sported a Heisman at quarterback in Tim Tebow. The same Florida team that was an odds-on favorite against a team that never looked as tough after losing to (eventual 1AA National Champs) Appalachian State. So good for the Wolverines. We learned a few things in that game. 1) On an even field (health, preparation time, etc.) the upper tier of the Big10 is at least the equal of the SEC or the Big12 (see: Mizzou over Arkansas). Now, if only we could have had Wisco win their game to support such an argument. And 2) Tim Tebow will not be a good quarterback in the NFL, and is barely serviceable in college when you apply pressure and make him react to you. Is he a good quarterback? I’d say “most days”. But when Chad Henne got your number, well, you can’t be that good. Unless, of course, Henne turns into the next Tom Brady in the NFL next year.

The SEC: 6 – 2 (1 game remaining: LSU vs. Ohio State)

Invitees: Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, LSU, Mississippi State, Tennessee
Bowl Invitations: Autozone Liberty (Mississippi State), PetroSun Independence (Alabama), Gaylord Hotels Music City (Kentucky), Chick-Fil-A (Auburn), Outback (Tennessee), Cotton (Arkansas), Capital One (Florida), AllState Sugar (Georgia), BCS Championship (LSU)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 1st
Overall Rank: 2nd

The thing with the SEC is that, every year, everyone starts hooting and hollering how tough the SEC is. Which is a circuitous way of apologizing for why they play cupcakes for their non-conference schedules. Don’t believe me? Here’s a list, sorted by final division standings:

SEC East: (Nonconference Record: 21 – 3)

Georgia (6-2) – Oklahoma State (W), Western Carolina (W), Troy (W), at Georgia Tech (W)
Tennessee (6-2) – at Cal (L), S. Mississippi (W), Arkansas St. (W), Louisiana- Lafayette (W)
Florida (5-3) – Western Kentucky (W), Troy (W), Florida Atlantic (W), Florida State (W)
Kentucky (3-5) – Eastern Kentucky (W), Kent State (W), Louisville (W), Florida Atlantic (W)
S. Carolina (3-5) – La.-Lafayette (W), S. Carolina St. (W), at N. Carolina (W), Clemson (L)
Vanderbilt (2-6) – Richmond (W), E. Michigan (W), Miami of Ohio (W), Wake Forest (L)

SEC East Nonconference Home Record: 19 – 2
SEC East Nonconference Away Record: 2 – 1

Cupcake Schools (10 schools, 14 games): W. Carolina, Troy, Arkansas State, Louisiana-Lafayette, Western Kentucky, Florida Atlantic, E. Kentucky, Kent State, South Carolina State, Richmond, Eastern Michigan

Schools that “Might” Be Good When Scheduled (7 schools, 7 games): Oklahoma State, Southern Mississippi, Louisville, North Carolina, Clemson, Miami of Ohio, Wake Forest

Legitimate Nonconference Contests (3 schools, 3 games): Florida State, Georgia Tech, Cal

Takeaway Message on the SEC East: They played exactly 1 team (Cal) who ended up being a good team with a long bad-luck streak this year. And lost. Yes, Florida State has some residual aura about them, but it was a down year for them, as it was for Georgia Tech. And FSU is showing symptoms of long-term mediocrity. Oklahoma State is hardly the pride of the Big12 and there’s nary a Big10 school on the list. Fact is, they schedule patticakes.

SEC West (Nonconference Record: 20 – 4)

LSU (6-2) – Virginia Tech (W), Middle Tennessee (W), at Tulane (W), Louisiana Tech (W)
Auburn (5-3) – Kansas St. (W), S. Florida (L), New Mexico State (W), Tennessee Tech (W)
Arkansas (4-4) – Troy (W), North Texas (W), Chattanooga (W), Florida International (W),
Mississippi State (4-4) – at Tulane (W), Gardner-Webb (W), UAB (W), at West Virginia (L),
Alabama (4-4) – W. Carolina (W), at Florida State (L), Houston (W), Louisiana-Monroe (W)
Ole Miss (0-8) – at Memphis (W), Missouri (L), Louisiana Tech (W), Northwestern State (W)

SEC West Nonconference Home Record: 17 – 2
SEC West Nonconference Away Record: 3 – 2

Cupcake Schools (16 schools, 18 games): Middle Tennessee, Tulane, Louisiana Tech, New Mexico State, Tennessee Tech, Troy, North Texas, Chattanooga, Florida International, Gardner-Webb, UAB, W. Carolina, Houston, Louisiana-Monroe, Memphis, Northwestern State

Schools that “Might” Be Good When Scheduled (2 schools, 2 games): Kansas State, South Florida

Legitimate Nonconference Contests (4 schools, 4 games): Virginia Tech, Florida State, Missouri, West Virginia

Takeaway Message on the SEC West: They played 2 BCS teams, going 1 – 1. But in those legitimate nonconference games, they went 1 – 3, losing to FSU, Mizzou and West Virginia. And that win over VaTech is pretty weak, once you saw them roll over their sword against Kansas in the FedEx Orange Bowl. Note again the complete lack of a Big10 school. And that name-brand West Virginia game? Scheduled by mighty Mississippi State.

So is the SEC any good? Or is their greatness equal parts weak scheduling (for the most part) and some timely wins rather than any real great season-long effort? I’d say that you can’t defend the SEC that strongly. Yes, they have good teams. But like the rich kid up the block, they only come out to play once in a great while and as a result, you end thinking their toys are all the greater when you do see them. Unless of course for the times that they lose, like in the Tennessee loss to Cal. In which case, you quietly change the subject and hope everyone forgets.

Another way to look at it, is to lump the whole conference together:

Overall Record: 89 – 57 {46 – 27 (SEC-East), 43 – 30 (SEC-West)} .610 win%
Overall Interdivision Wins: SEC-East 10 - 8 SEC-West
Overall Conference Record: {25 – 23 (SEC-East), 23 – 25 (SEC-West)}
Overall Nonconference Record: 41 – 7 (.850 win%, 46% of overall wins)

Some important things immediately jump to mind. 1) Their nonconference schedule is almost exclusively home games (40 out of 48 games). Which shouldn’t be surprising, given what they’d pay to small schools to come to their home field. 2) Their nonconference schedule is nearly devoid of major conference schools (only 13 schools) or schools that ended up making a bowl berth (16 teams). 3) Their record nonconference is 41 – 9. But against major conference schools? Big East champion West Virginia? Loss. Pac10 Runnerup Cal? Loss. ACC trainwreck Florida State? 1 – 1.

Item 4) There's only 18 interdivision games, which slightly favored the SEC-East this year 10 wins to 8 for the SEC-West. This is possibly due entirely to the presence of Ole Miss in the SEC-West. But the interdivision schedules are hardly balanced. The way the divisions work, all conference games count towards your division total, with tie breakers first being determined in head-to-head and then inter-division records. So it's conceivable to lose no interdivision games and not make the conference championship (see: Georgia). And it's equally conceivable to lose the right mix of division and interdivision games and take a tie-breaker (see: Tennessee). I'm not saying that you can be a total conference dog, but if you win 4 of your division games, chances are you're in the running to for a tie-breaker. 5 wins and you're in. Tennessee and LSU won 4. Georgia won 3. The point is: interdivision games mean very little so long as you clean up your division (thereby winning crucial tie-breakers). Just ask Georgia, who went 3-0 against the SEC-West and somehow didn't make the conference championships, thanks to an early surprise loss home to South Carolina that cemented a second place finish when they lost at Tennessee a month later.

The 5^th and final thing that jumps to mind is that the SEC teams EACH get 4 nonconference games. Which leaves them 8 conference games. 9 for the lucky two who get to the championship game (more on that in a second). Since there are 11 other conference teams, that means they play only 72% of their conference in any given year. But that’s not exactly true, since you must play everyone inside your division (that’s 5 games). Leaving you 3 games against the other division. So you face 50% of the other division. So, if the schedule gods are nice, you might get two patsies (pick from Vanderbilt or South Carolina in the SEC-East; Ole Miss, Alabama, or Mississippi State in the SEC-West) or a tough team at home (see: Kentucky 43 – 37 LSU). In any event, in the conference that complains that it’s too difficult to go undefeated, they say you have to win 7 conference games to lock up a spot in the conference championship. Or this year, just 6. Either way, it’s nobody but the SEC’s fault that they have a (money-generating) conference championship. Cut out one nonconference game, and rotate through one team in your division that you don’t play each year, and suddenly you need 8 conference wins to be legitimate. Plus, it greatly changes the benefits of playing Ole Miss if you aren't assured that game year after year (as half of the SEC gets now...) You get to choose which 4 teams from each division (out of 9 games) that would be. You're still able to lose 1 game. But beating exactly half of the conference PLUS one conference championship game (which may or may not be a rematch) is, in my book, garbage. And it’s 2 or 3 fewer games than the Pac10 or Big10 champ have to win to clinch their championship-game-having conferences.

Still need more proof that the SEC is geared to win one game (a gamble that USC, Cal, Oregon, West Virginia, Michigan, Virginia Tech, Missouri, etc. would gladly have then their current regular season schedules)? Look no further than Tennessee’s 45 – 31 loss to Cal for what they dread about nonconference games. Too much risk. But, in addition to those 4 patsies they “can” schedule, they get to add in Ole Miss (who could only win nonconference games), Vanderbilt (2 – 6 in conference), and South Carolina (3 – 5 in conference), and the top challengers to the SEC crown are at 5 or 6 wins before they even play a single good game, and potentially 2-0 in their division, meaning they have to only win 2 of 3 games. Don't believe me? Look at the results. Though the year was screwy in general for football, pretty much all you needed to do in the SEC was win one clutch game and then let the deck reshuffle itself and find where you sit. That's how Tennessee made it. And LSU. And why Georgia was left out. Florida choked to Auburn, and lost to LSU and Georgia. They're out. And yet, they still finished with 9 wins. Auburn is still shaking their head over Mississippi State's 19-14 upset . Two other losses to LSU and Georgia finished their season. With 8 wins. Georgia got to 10 wins. But their two losses will forever haunt them. They lost their spot to a team (Tennessee) with one fewer regular season win AND (therefore) one more loss. And both get to look at LSU preen on a national stage NOT because their 10-2 regular season record (identical to Georgia) was any better, but mainly because: West Virginia lost to Pittsburgh, USC lost to Stanford, Oregon decided to make an ambulance the team bus, Kansas lost to Missouri who lost to Oklahoma, Boston College lost to Florida State and Maryland in back-to-back weeks, and nobody had the guts to stick an undefeated Hawaii in the BCS Title Game. So tell me LSU is better. Go ahead. At least if Tennessee had beaten LSU, Georgia wouldn't have an argument. Instead, it's a "they just didn't schedule us" argument. Which is no argument for determining who is a better team.

Need numbers? Let’s take out those 41 nonconference wins, and the 21 wins over the bottom of the SEC. That’s 62 wins (practically) guaranteed. What does that leave the SEC minus the bottom feeders? A pedestrian 29 – 31. Georgia, LSU, and Tennessee have 18 of those wins.

How is this a good conference again? They beat up on weak DivIAA teams and have 3 more games against in-conference cupcakes. Given that they have 12 teams and cannot possibly play each other without giving up that lucrative Troy or Gardner-Webb home game, they play to win one game more than half of their remaining 5 conference games. Getting them to the magical 6 – 2 conference record shared by Georgia, Tennessee, and LSU. It’s a joke.

Just to prove I’m not a total Pac10 snob, I did the same analysis for the Pac10. These are all their non-conference games (sorted by final conference standings):

USC (7-2) – Idaho (W), at Nebraska (W), at Notre Dame (W)
ASU (7-2) – San Jose State (W), Colorado (W), San Diego State (W)
Oregon State (6-3) – Utah (W), at Cincinnati (L), Idaho State (W)
Oregon (5-4) – Houston (W), at Michigan (W), Fresno State (W)
ucla (5-4) – BYU (W), at Utah (L), Notre Dame (L)
Arizona (4-5) – at BYU (L), Northern Arizona (W), New Mexico (L)
Cal (3-6) – Tennessee (W), at Colorado State (W), Louisana Tech (W)
Washington State (3-6) – at Wisconsin (L), San Diego State (W), Idaho (W)
Stanford (3-6) – San Jose State (W), TCU (L), Notre Dame (L)
Washington (2-7) – at Syracuse (W), Boise State (W), Ohio State (L), at Hawaii (L)

Overall Record: 67 – 54 (.554 win %)
NonConference Record: 21 – 10 (.677 win%, 31% of overall wins)

Cupcakes Schools (7 schools, 10 games): Idaho, San Jose State, San Diego State, Idaho State, Houston, Northern Arizona, Louisiana Tech

Schools the “Might” Be Good When Scheduled (12 schools, 16 games): Nebraska, Notre Dame, Colorado, Utah, Cincinnati, Fresno St., BYU, New Mexico, Boise St., TCU, Colorado St., Syracuse

Legitimate Nonconference Contests (5 schools, 5 games): Michigan, Tennessee, Wisconsin, Ohio State, Hawaii (potentially this year only)

This is the difference between winning the Pac10 and the SEC. Nearly half of your games won in the SEC come from out of conference, whereas one-third count for the Pac10. Ergo: Conference games mean more in the Pac10, which is why you have to win more Pac10 games to be conference champion. Usually, it’s 8 wins out of 9. And, with the nice balance of 10 teams, you play everyone, every year. This year, being as topsy-turvy as it was, 7 wins was enough. Which is exactly the same that LSU needed to be conference champion (and the same number of conference losses). The difference is, it’s far more likely to win the SEC with 7 wins than the Pac10 in any given year. Have the good fortune to be in the “weak” division, sweep those opponents and then go 1 – 2 against the other division, and you’re in the conference championship! Or even better, go 0 – 3 against the other division and you’re still in! Want to know the last time a Pac10 team with 3 conference losses won the Rose Bowl invitation? Never. Last time an SEC team with 3 conference losses was crowned champ? How about 2001? The team? LSU.

Yes, there is good football in the SEC and a lot of good teams. But in a super-conference like the SEC which has to split the conference into divisions, you can sneak through the weaker division and then win the conference championship, having never played the top teams. Or, alternately, you can be frozen out by a silly tie-breaker rule that saw Tennessee take Georgia’s rightful place in the SEC Championship Game, who then proceeded to lose a tough one to LSU. But you can’t say that the SEC is flat-out the best conference in the country. There are a million arguments why LSU doesn’t belong in the BCS Championship Game to counter the million arguments why they do belong. Fortunately, Ohio State gets to help sort that out. But in the rest of their extensive bowl season (9 total games), they tended to fizzle when it mattered most (see: Florida, Arkansas). The second-tier games were where they shined, winning all five of those contests. And while I like Georgia, their 41 – 10 win over Hawaii proved nothing to me except for the sad fact that Hawaii, though undefeated when they arrived, was not a Top-10 team in the country. They were a better fit at the Holiday Bowl.

And when you think about it, the BCS Series of bowl games is designed to get the 10 best teams to play each other, with the purported top two getting the coveted Championship Game. Yet this year, the BCS sported a spotted record of guaranteeing that the other 8 slots went to the other 8 best teams. Which is why the BCS is such a puzzle to figure out. How do you guarantee the at-large bids (Kansas, Georgia, Illinois) are the right choices? The fact is that you can’t. And with money being the motivator of the bowl season, chances are any future changes will be cosmetic. And worse, given the relationships still maintained by conferences and bowls, you still get stuck with USC-Illinois and Georgia-Hawaii when pretty much anyone would agree that USC-Georgia is a much better match-up. Wherever it would be played.

My solution? Get rid of the Blue-Grey and Senior Bowl games (which totally repudiates the “their season is already too long for a playoff system” excuse) and have a +1 game. Let the five BCS bowl games play out (we’ll call the Capital One or Cotton Bowl the 5^th game), and then choose through some crazy formula who gets the two spots for the championship game. It’s really no different than right now, if you think about it. But it does require at least one round of playing a real nonconference game, something we see too little of, if at all. Which would leave us with: Georgia, USC, Kansas, West Virginia, and LSU. Any of those pairings would be 1) guaranteed money and tv ratings, and 2) an improvement on picking the pair in November before any team gets a chance to get healthy and show themselves one more time (USC), redeem themselves from unlikely or late-season losses (Kansas, Georgia, West Virginia), or prove that they are more than the focus of an echo chamber situated somewhere over the Southeast (LSU). So why not?

Ranking the Football Conferences By Bowl Season (Part II), Or: Why I Like the Big10 More Than The Big12

SunBelt Conference: 1 – 0

Invitees: Florida Atlantic
Bowl Invitations: R+L Carriers New Orleans
Bowl Invitations Rank: 11^th
Overall Rank: 7^th

I don’t have much to say about Florida Atlantic, who earned the SunBelt’s conference championship by defeating rival Troy in the last week of the regular season. Yes, I will call them a cupcake in the SEC nonconference buffet line (more on that later). Yes, their bowl game is dreadful. The prize was the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, a bowl game so awfully named that they felt the need to include the host city’s name in an effort to generate interest. Which for sure worked. You’d think that, with R+L Carriers as the sponsor, the game would have been in, say, Texarkana. But New Orleans is a legit bowl destination and now, thanks to Florida Atlantic defeating Memphis handily 44 – 27, they alone can brag that their conference finished the bowl season undefeated. Take that SEC! And compared to Navy, they won, so they get the coveted 7th spot in the rankings.

Big-12: 5 – 3

Invitees: Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech
Bowl Invitations: PetroSun Independence (Colorado), Pacific Life Holiday (Texas), Insight (Oklahoma State), Konica Minolta Gator (Texas Tech), Cotton (Missouri), Tostitos Fiesta (Oklahoma), FedEx Orange (Kansas)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 7^th
Overall Rank: 6^th

This is the problem, in a nutshell, of the Big-12 Conference. Because the conference is split unevenly (in terms of strength and national recognition), the whole conference sucks and can lead to idiotic events like Oklahoma earning a national title appearance despite not making their conference championship, as they did in the 2005 FedEx Orange Bowl. This year, the Big12-South (Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State) was again the powerhouse, but a couple of schools got a little frisky up in the Big12-North (Kansas, Mizzou, Colorado) and messed things up since their records somehow or another don’t determine who gets to the conference championship. And go figure how it all turns out. The “mighty” Big12-South winds up going 3 – 2 while the weaker Big12-North goes 2 – 1. So, all in all, it looks pretty successful for the Big12 as a whole, right? Wrong!

The Big12 was the most uneven competitors for a conference that finished their bowl season above .500. Colorado beat Oklahoma early in the year, yet in the end, Oklahoma waxes Mizzou (38 – 17) in the Big12 championship game for a second time (the first win was 41 – 31). Yet Kansas, who lost to Mizzou in the last week of the regular season 36 – 28, magically earns a FedEx Orange bowl bid, over Mizzou. So you know, if you follow the Big12 at all, what this means. Mizzou is going to murder their bowl opponent and Oklahoma, Big12 “Champion” will choke in their BCS game (they remain winless in BCS games). As I often quote, “you can’t spell rout without OU”. Or this gem (admittedly not mine): “Why does OU coach Bob Stoops eat his Cheerios on a plate? If they were in a bowl, he’d lose them!” The one question mark? Kansas, my 2007 “Most Overrated Team in College Football”, who fortunately got to play ACC Jeckyll - Hyde team Virginia Tech.

Of course, Oklahoma loses to West Virginia in a great Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. To recap, the “vaunted” OU defense gave up 4 touchdowns over the 3^rd and 4^th quarters in 12 plays, covering 263 yards in 5:31 seconds of time. 525 yards total offense (349 yards rushing!). They went from being down 20-15 to losing 48-28. Awesome job, Big12 chump… uh, champ! What is that, 4 BCS losses in a row, Coach Stoops? Meanwhile, conference also-rans Kansas and Mizzou (both from the Big12 North) both take their opportunities and win their own games. I admit, I was surprised by Kansas’ 24 – 21 win over VaTech, since I thought they’d get clobbered. But when you read the highlights, you discover that it was a combination of a bad VaTech offense and some timely turnovers, including an interception return for a touchdown. So the Jayhawks offense wasn’t anything special. But their defense? A+. Given how Mizzou was snubbed by the BCS committees as Big12 runner-up (or, alternately, Big12-North Champ), I wasn’t surprised at their performance. They crushed SEC whinger Arkansas (who beat LSU… more on the SEC in a bit) in the “How Dare You Pick Kansas Over Us, FedEx People?” Bowl (also known as the Cotton Bowl, which, like the Capital One Bowl, dresses like a BCS bowl game but is not). So, in the big name games, they go 2 – 1, but (again) the Big12 Champ loses. Perhaps Oklahoma should just perform a few rules violations (again) and become bowl ineligible. For the good of the conference.

In the second-tier games, the Big12 was a little more solid. Though it pains me to say as such, Texas looked good against Arizona State in the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl, played in beautiful San Diego. Oklahoma State and Texas Tech picked up some nice wins in some crappily-named bowls (the Insight and Konica Minolta Gator Bowls, respectively), but that effort was spoiled first by the idiotic cheer by some Aggie yell leader to get a casket for Joe Paterno, and then cemented when JoePa and his Nittany Lions of Penn State slapped Texas A&M silly 24 – 17 in the Valero Alamo Bowl, played just a scant 145 miles from the A&M campus in College Station. Add in the awful 30 – 24 loss by Colorado (who beat Oklahoma) to Alabama in the hideous PetroSun Independence Bowl and the big doozie made by Oklahoma’s Olé Defense and the Big12 is shown to be large. And mediocre. To recap: 2 nice win (Texas and Kansas), 1 throwdown win (Mizzou), 2 okay wins, and 3 bed-crappers.

Mountain West Conference: 4 – 1

Invitees: Air Force Academy, BYU, New Mexico, Utah, Texas Christian
Bowl Invitations: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (Utah), Pioneer Las Vegas (BYU), New Mexico (New Mexico), Texas (TCU), Bell Helicopter Armed Forces (Air Force)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 5th
Overall Rank: 5th

"You put the MWC fifth?!! You are crazy!" I know, but hear me out. They won 80% of their bowl games. They had the best record of any conference with at at least 5 invitations, and matched the Pac10 for total bowl wins. The MWC has some real football teams, especially TCU. We don’t need to return to the Utah win over Navy. BYU, undefeated conference champion has their season every few years and the Air Force Academy recently sported a high-scoring spread offense. Only the Air Force failed, coming up short 42 – 36 to a strong Cal team looking for redemption from a dreadful season (they finished 7th in the Pac10) in the dreadful-sounding Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. Air Force was a logical fit for such a sponsor and indeed was perhaps the intended market, yet Cal proved too strong. Unfortunately, nobody cares about the New Mexico or Texas Bowls and so the MWC will have to wait for next year before getting another shot at a stronger invitation.

Big East: 2 – 3

Invitees: Cincinnati, Rutgers, University of Connecticut, U. South Florida, West Virginia
Bowl Invitations: International (Rutgers), Papajohns.com (Cincinnati), Meineke Car Care (UConn), Brut Sun (South Florida), Tostitos Fiesta (West Virginia)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 4^th
Overall Rank: 4^th

In reality, the Big East should be ranked lower. Ever since Virginia Tech, Boston College and U.Miami left the Big East, football in the northeast has been spotty. After all, the Big East is, like its ACC counterpart, a basketball conference. Football-wise, they have 8 teams. Basketball? 16 teams! But 5 of those 8 teams were bowl eligible. Not bad! And when the spotlight is brightest, they rise to the challenge. So West Virginia’s win over Oklahoma is enough to call the bowl season a success throughout the conference. UConn made it to a bowl game (though they lost to Wake Forest). And Cincinnati sucked up their pride and played well in the papajohns.com Bowl, defeating former CUSA mate Southern Miss 31 – 21. But they had a real laugher in the Brut Sun Bowl, where U.Miami replacement South Florida got smoked by the same Oregon team that was hemorrhaging starters a month ago 56 – 21. And yes, it was the Brut Sun Bowl, played in gorgeous El Paso, Texas. Since cheap men’s cologne and football make such a perfect pairing. Or didn’t you get the memo?

Ranking the Football Conferences By Bowl Season (Part I): Or, Why I'm saving the Pac10 and SEC for the end...

So a quick explanation: 64 Teams, 32 Bowl Games, 11 Conferences (plus 1 Independent). In the Spirit of All Things Ranked, I'll Go from Bottom to Top. Feel free to disagree or agree. I know that your opinion is no more valid than mine and so I shall be free to ignore it with obnoxious refutations or embrace it with obnoxious exaltations. Onto the Awards!

(for each, conference name followed by 2007-2008 bowl record...)

The MAC: 0 – 3

Invitees: Ball State, Bowling Green, Central Michigan
Bowl Invitations: Motor City (Central Michigan), International (Ball State), GMAC (Bowling Green)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 12^th
Overall Rank: 12^th

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of the MAC. In basketball. But in football, the MAC is the equivalent to kind of cute girl in high school who didn’t just get a reputation, but earned one. So feverish to get as many bowl games as possible for an admittedly minor conference, they’ve gone and taken the three worst bowl games available. The Motor City Bowl offers up all the charm and ambiance of Detroit, Michigan in the dead of winter. The International Bowl is played in Toronto, home of the 110 yard, 3-down variety of football. On the Saturday afternoon when the NFL playoffs begin. And it gets worse, as the GMAC is billing itself as the nuts course on Sunday, following the second day of NFL playoffs. Oh, and the game is in Mobile, Alabama. A sure enough city to visit if you’re into history and the march for civil rights. But a minor hiccup of a football game? Sorry. These three collective bowls would not be missed. Except by the MAC.

Now, as I will state later on, it’s one thing to offer yourself promiscuously to the various bowl invitation committees, trying to win as many invites as possible. It’s another thing to lose each invitation. But it’s truly awful when each losing team gives up at least 50 points in the process. Central Michigan (MAC Champ) loses 51 – 48 to Purdue in the Motor City Bowl, a game that can only be described as “wildly interesting”. Not so wildly interesting are Ball State’s 52 – 30 loss in Toronto to Rutgers. Or Bowling Green giving up 56 more points than they scored to Tulsa, losing 63 – 7. Tulsa? The Division I school with the most inexplicable nickname (the Golden Hurricanes? They have hurricanes in Tulsa?). Yes, that’s right. The same Tulsa squad that lost to Oklahoma 62 – 21, now owns the “biggest blowout in bowl history”. So to recap: the MAC was outscored in only three bowl games 166 – 85. And only once looked frisky.

Conference-USA: 2 – 4

Invitees: Central Florida, East Carolina, Houston, Memphis, Southern Mississippi, Tulsa
Bowl Invitations: GMAC (Tulsa), R+L Carriers New Orleans (Memphis), Papajohns.com (Southern Miss), Autozone Liberty (Central Florida), Sheraton Hawaii (East Carolina), Texas (Houston)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 10^th
Overall Rank: 11^th

The only thing worse than being the slightly cute high school girl who earns a reputation is being her sluttier, uglier younger sister. CUSA, as they abbreviate themselves, will take any bowl invitation, whether it’s in Mobile, Houston, Birmingham, or Memphis. Though Honolulu is a nice feather for the conference champ East Carolina. If Baltimore offered a bowl game, for sure CUSA would be clamoring over that one too. Though the conference is young and in a seemingly endless transitional state, it remains more of a who's who of forgotten second-rate schools who every now and then have a good year and get a bit of press. At which point, they promptly leave for a better conference (see: Cincinnati). Think Memphis would love to move into the ACC? You bet!

Now, no disrespect to their one big win (sorry Tulsa. 63 – 7 over Bowling Green in the GMAC Bowl does not count). East Carolina 41 - 38 Boise State in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl. Not a bad win for ECU, given Boise State’s prominent place on the edge of the radar over the past several years (and following their undefeated 2006 season). Boise State, of course, is famous for both surprising Oklahoma in last year's Tostitos Fiesta Bowl to complete that 13-0 record (the Statue of Liberty play followed by the proposal and the Fox Sports sideline reporter falling all over himself to get in on it and pretty much ruin the moment just like Fox Sports likes to do with pretty much everything else (see: World Series and pretty much all other baseball coverage, NFL Playoffs, and the infamous Glo-Puck experiment), and their Blue Turf. But ECU? Their team mascot is a Mardi Gras drag queen pirate decked in purple. Of course, there are other universities that embrace purple, to varying degrees of success (TCU, U.Washington and Northwestern offer a nice gradient of football). Arrgh, matey! Drop the purple and the cartoon pirate! Oregon already has Disney covered with their duck mascot!

As for CUSA’s losers? Central Florida (10 - 3 to Miss.State in the exciting Autozone Liberty Bowl), Memphis (44 - 27 Florida Atlantic in the taut R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl!), Southern Miss (31 - 21 Cincinnati at the papajohns.com Bowl), and Houston (20 - 13 TCU in the eponymous Texas Bowl). How many out there even knew Southern Miss was in the CUSA? The point is, if you get six bowl bids (just like, say, the Pac-10), they better be either namebrand bowl games or you better win. CUSA did neither. My bet is no player on Memphis team will ever wear their R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl gear. And if they give it to Katrina efforts, it’ll probably still sit in boxes.

The WAC: 1 – 3

Invitees: Boise State, Fresno State, Hawaii, Nevada
Bowl Invitations: Sheraton Hawaii (Boise State), Roady’s Humanitarian (Fresno State), New Mexico (Nevada), AllState Sugar (Hawaii)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 8^th
Overall Rank: 10^th

Any conference that continues to throw a bid to the Humanitarian Bowl (played outside in Boise) gets an extra point for me. Even when the Humanitarian Bowl is sponsored by a chain of highway rest areas. I’m not joking. And apart of the New Mexico Bowl, where Nevada lost to New Mexico (did they see it coming?), the other venues were respectable. Honolulu? Check. BCS game in New Orleans? CheckCheckCheck. Yet it seems that this WAC season was being rewarded partly because of last season (when Boise State went undefeated) and the potential to do it again with Hawaii. But you can’t go to the well too often. Simply put, the WAC was out of whack this year. Boise State got poisoned in Hawaii again and Hawaii simply had no business being in the Sugar Bowl. Add in Nevada getting goose-egged 23-0 to New Mexico in the "New Mexico Bowl" and it's pretty depressing.

The ACC: 2 - 6

Invitees: Boston College, Clemson, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Maryland, Virginia, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest
Bowl Invitations: Emerald (Maryland), Champs Sports (Boston College), Meineke Car Care (Wake Forest), Roady’s Humanitarian (Georgia Tech), Gaylord Hotels Music City (Florida State), Chick-Fil-A (Clemson), Konica Minolta Gator (Virginia), FedEx Orange (Virginia Tech)
Bowl Invitations Rank: 9^th
Overall Rank: 9^th

I don’t get why the ACC got 8 games. Of course, the better question is why there are 32 bowl games. But all other things being equal, the majority of those 8 teams are destined to be whipping boys. And they were. The ACC is a basketball conference. We know this. Despite bringing in U. Miami of Florida, Virginia Tech and purported football school Boston College. Since when is a win over U. Miami of Florida in 1984 all the cred you need to be a football school? I don't get it. But then again, in Boston, your other choices for football are BU and Harvard. Though I bet MIT has a great punting unit. Miami didn’t qualify for a bowl (thank the lords!) with their 5 – 7 record. But BC wins (24 - 21 over Michigan State, another wannabe "football" school), so things are looking good for the ACC, right? Wrong! Other than that, you got Wake Forest covering 24 - 10 over UConn, a school that has had a program for like 3 years. Their six losers? VaTech, Florida State, Maryland, Clemson, Virginia, and Georgia Tech, who got swatted by annual underdog Fresno State 40 - 28, in a game not nearly as close as it sounds. Clemson lost in overtime to severely overrated SEC middle-of-the-packer Auburn. FSU sat at least 13 players for academic violations (nice job, Coach Bowden and friends!) and got pasted by Kentucky. Maryland lost by a touchdown to a young Oregon State team and Virginia lost a tough one at the incredibly named Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl to Texas Tech, 31 – 28. And worst of all, in a game that seemed theirs for the taking, VaTech roared out to a 17 – 0 deficit against Kansas in the FedEx Orange Bowl and then managed to almost come all the way back, losing 24 – 21. It’s been a tough year for the Hokies, and a win would have been a nice way to close that chapter and move forward. Instead they are the trivia answer to the question: “Kansas, the most overrated team in the 2007 football season, won the FedEx Orange bowl. Who did they beat?”

Independents: 0 – 1

Invitee: Naval Academy
Bowl Invitations: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Bowl Invitations Rank: 6^th
Overall Rank: 8^th

Now I must begin by saying my dad went to the Naval Academy, so this ranking reflects that. But seriously: if I said "would you rather play a semi-worthless bowl game in San Diego or El Paso?" which would you pick? San Diego or Mobile? Or Birmingham? Or Memphis? Or Houston? Detroit? Boise? Shreveport? Orlando? I'll give you New Orleans, but only for the Sugar Bowl. No matter how awful-sounding the San Diego Country Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl sounds (and it sounds awful and is a mouthful), the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl is worse. So San Diego it is. It's just too bad that they had to go and lose. Not the best way to end the season that saw them beat Air Force and Army for a sixth consecutive year and beat (a broken) Notre Dame squad for the first time since the Kennedy Administration. So after choking a veritable home game, they probably realized "Hey! We're not in Mobile or Shreveport! Let's head downtown and pick up some chicks!" I know this because I have Naval Academy alumni friends (and family). And every last one of them is an absolute hormonal terror on the town. Which makes me wonder about my dad and how he met my mom. Perhaps it's best to just move on...

The College Football Bowl Season, Or: Why We Need To Know Who Poulan Weed-Eater Is

(with much appreciation to Minter D. for the inspiration to change the blog to a more observatorial / philosophical experiment. You can read his great blog by clicking the link to the right...)

The College Football Bowl Season is, to use the word that is most apt: an orgy. It's a feast inside a feast. A reason in a season full of reasons to sit on the couch with remote in hand to idly flip channels and decide if you've ever cared for the East Carolina Pirates or the Gaylords Hotel Music City Bowl outcome. Providing you're not a gambler (I am not, save an occasional $20 poker game I get into when I'm home in the islands) or an alumnus of ECU, I'm guessing not. Though, to be fair, the Gaylords Hotel Music City Bowl did have major names University of Kentucky against Florida State University. Though if I told you that Kentucky won, you'd think it was a basketball game. But they did, FSU's "surprise" academic violations aside (they lost like 13 players who were caught cheating in a class...). And as you hear every year, there's 119 Division 1A teams (or whatever they've decided to call this division these days) and there are 32 bowl games and therefore 64 teams. And my good friend and sports addict (not to mention professional sports journalist) Nara would have a hard time naming all the invited teams this year. ECU? Yes! Notre Dame? No! OSU? Well, do you mean Oklahoma State (Come on Down!)? Oregon State (You're the next contestant!)? Ohio State (On the BCS Price Is Right!)? This year, it's easy to be from a football school* (*Duke need not apply) and make plans to spend your Christmas vacation in any number of wondrous holiday spots around the country.

So book a room for Nashville (Gaylords Hotel Music City Bowl) or San Diego (San Diego County Credit Union Pointsettia Bowl AND Pacific Life Holiday Bowl) or, if you're more adventurous, beautiful Mobile, Alabama (GMAC Bowl) or El Paso (Brut Sun Bowl). Don't like the sun, the humidity, or the endless brown of West Texas? How does Boise sound (Roady's Humanitarian Bowl)? Or Detroit (Motor City Bowl)? Or Toronto (International Bowl)? You can, if you're lucky or crazy, travel around the country, catching your favorite conferences. Which brings me to my point: What is the point of Bowl Games?

For starters: let's just state up front that these games somehow bring money in. There's television money, sponsorship money, ticket sales, and who knows what else. Though I beg someone to buy a PetroSun Independence Bowl t-shirt and wear it proudly. And that's one of the nicer ones. But in terms of contests, bowl games are like games in early September. You know, those "they scheduled who?" that makes you start thinking about the big games in November roughly 7 weeks too early. Cincinnati versus Southern Mississippi in the papajohns.com bowl? I think I'd rather watch sixth graders try to spell those two school names rather than watch said teams play. "Up next! Florida Atlantic, champion of the SunBelt Conference takes on Conference USA 3rd place Champion in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl!" I don't know, without looking, who R+L Carriers are (They do something that won them this accolade: "2007 Logistic Management Quest for Quality Award - Multi-Regional Carriers Category".). I'd guess that, based on said "Quest for Quality Award" that they're an overachieving junior in high school. Or a Teamster Corporation (that's correct! And they sponsor the #17 Matt Kenseth NASCAR! Which begs the question: Why do people who live in a trailer need a moving company?).

Of course, there are some good games and some good teams. Leaving aside my heavy USC leanings (49-17 over Illinois!), there were some legitimately entertaining games. Which should be the point. Bowl committees should put together the best package that 1) gets butts in the seats and on the couch, and 2) keeps them there. Which is why Michigan's win over Florida in the wanna-be BCS game Capital One Bowl will stay with me for a while, as will Oklahoma's complete lack of defense against West Virginia in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl in the 3rd and 4th quarters of that game. Oklahoma (whom I still giggle about when I recall the 55 - 19 drubbing they got at the hands of USC a few years back) could not, as my brother would say, "Suck Enough." They score a touchdown late in the 3rd quarter to pull to 20 - 15. Then, the defense promptly rolled over, giving up 4 touchdowns in a grand total of 12 plays (and 5:30 of game time). It mattered not that the Sooner offense was able to score 2 more times of their own. I love games like that. Close for a good while, then the team you're rooting for decides to put the whoop-ass on and you spend the last thirty minutes laughing at how inept the losing team is. Kinda like Hawaii against Georgia in the FedEx Sugar Bowl, though I have no beef with Hawaii. Or Illinois against USC in the Rose Bowl (presented by Citi). Neither Illinois nor Hawaii deserved to be in the stadium. By my count, there were 9 games won by more than 2 touchdowns. And two complete offensive dogs (BYU beating ucla 17-16 and Mississippi State beating Central Florida 10 - 3). So 11 games, roughly one-third of the games, were nigh unwatchable unless you were (again) an alumnus or a gambler. And we still have two sure to be laughers. Kansas versus Virginia Tech? Are you joking? I'll be shocked if Kansas loses by less than 3 touchdowns (editor's note: oops! Kansas 24 - 21 VaTech...) They are the standard-bearer of "over-rated", despite Hawaii and their 41-10 to the Bulldogs. And I'll be surprised if Ohio State and LSU is competitive for very long, though I hedge here because 1) I'd like to see Ohio State win a squeaker and 2) they like to win ugly. It's just too bad that LSU, USC, Georgia, and Ohio State couldn't play each other. That'd be nice.

But the Bowl Season is what it is, and though there are nice suggestions how to improve it and/or make an honest playoff system, I understand the idea that it's hard to get fans around the country to make an honest crowd. That's why the first round of the NCAA basketball tourney is so much better. It's the only true round with rafters full of actual fans. By the Sweet16, corporate dealios are moving in and by the Final Four, they're playing in a football stadium completely devoid of that rabid excitement you get at places like the Wolf Den or Pauley or Cameron or McCarthy (Gonzaga) with ten times as many corporate dealios. So instead, I've decided to rank the conferences, based on performance in the Bowl Games. Feel Free to read on...

A New Year, A New Direction

In an effort to become concise and relevant (aren't they the same thing?), I've decided to (partly) move away from blogging my weekly-to-monthly missives. Instead, I will, like pretty much any other media outlet around today, offer my thoughts on any number of subjects, time and space availability being my only limiting factor.

But before I begin anew, a quick explanation for my 5 month absence: I forgot my account name and password. So there. Hopefully, I'll figure out a way to link this to Facebook and thereby will exponentially increase my audience to like 4. Huzzah!

And of course, I'll try to keep up with the much-loved portion of the program known as "Shout-Outs"! So keep letting me know when your birthday is and you'll receive a shout-out when the time comes!

And Happy New Year 2008. May all the optimism of the New Year come true in your life.
--Goose

learning about tires the hard way

Dearest All-

What a month it's been. The summer is all about July. August has always had a hint of the coming school year in my mind, and so I've learned to compress summer doings to late June (my birthday week, for example) and July (which, to fellow NLers, means Sailfest and Ocean Beach). By August, I get an itch to start playing soccer and find myself sniffing vinyl ring binders, trying to figure out which one smells the least. That smell sets me off. I swear.

And so I find myself, with August quickly approaching, already taking account of the Summer of 2007. It was indeed very nice. I packed in a quick trip to St. Croix for the 4th of July and a wedding on July 7th. Which makes me so glad as to know that I'm still hip enough to get an invite to the busiest matrimonial day in history (or so CNN would want me to believe). So thank you, Rachel Holt and Tim McGrath for allowing me to share in your festivities on your wonderful day. And true story (having already told it on my online slide show on another competing website), Rachel got an heirloom ring (read: from an antiques shop) and when she read the inscription on the inside, it said "Lucky". That's pretty sweet.

But of course, there was work to be had, and so I left St. Croix after 10 wonderful days of playing with my best puppy Miss Rowan (I'm officially tired of friends calling her a him, so until further notice, I'm adopting the Miss to her full title), hanging out at the beach, having a few ice cold Hammerhead Pale Ales (or several, depending on your sources), seeing my very dear friends Capt. Moe, Martino, Dr. Ian, Mikey, Sandals Mikey (though you need glasses if you need help knowing which Mikey is which, or a lesson in the colors of Crayola), Croney Dem, Guerra Dem, Misty H., Nadene L., Sasha B., Bootzy, Dustino, Mr. Tommy, Norma, Cruzan Ryan, Naked Rasta at Paradise Road, and Fast Hands Richard, aka Bob Marley's crack-addled former bongo player. Is that enough shout-outs? Is the orchestra getting louder? Do I need to wrap it up? Ok. Thank you!

There is something wonderful and special about getting a chance to head home for a vacation. I have always enjoyed heading home to CT for some home cookin', as the saying goes. And the same goes for St.Croix. Tropical islands breed a familiarity and rhythm that is so comfortable. Sunday, go to beach. Pass go. Collect cooler full of beer. And so to fall into that easy cycle of passing time during what is the high holy day of summer, 4th of July, was just icing. If only my trip home was as wonderful and easy.

To keep this post short, let's play "MadLibs". Fill in the blank as needed. Ok:

American Airlines was delayed at San Juan International Airport for *NUMBER* hours because a *NOUN* was *ADJECTIVE*. This led the *NOUN* being late to Miami International Airport. Coincidentally, the airline was very *ADJECTIVE*, having moved my requested seat from Row *NUMBER* to Row *NUMBER*. This greatly *VERB* my ability to get off the plane and onto my connection to Dallas. "*EXCLAMATION*" I yelled, when I found out that my connecting flight was scheduled to leave in *NUMBER* minutes but was still at the *NOUN*. Of course, those of you who have been to MIA know that the airport is a complete, *ADJECTIVE* *NOUN*. I got to my gate just in time to see the *NOUN* close. Of course, American Airlines has no phone number for Customer *NOUN*, so all I can really do is *VERB* and *VERB* to let them know that I'm not a *ADJECTIVE* *NOUN*. Of course, that's why they call American Airlines the *ADJECTIVE ENDING IN -EST* *NOUN* known to man.

Of course, they also lost my luggage. And though it's been two weeks, I have yet to hear from them. I'm demanding compensation as a bumped passenger. They told me they released my seats 10 minutes before the plane doors close, but 10 minutes prior to that occurring, they knew me and 5 others were running across the construction site me and my cohorts here at A&M call "Miami International Drug Emporium, Carnival Sideshow and Plane Refueling Stop". They could have saved everyone the hassle by saying we were bumped. But no. It's really too bad that I have 37,000 frequent flier miles with them. boo!

Hope you are all having a lovely summer! Stay away from American Airlines sales agents.

--Goose

QUICK SHOUT-OUT: Happy Birthday Dear Old Dad!

I Learn About Tires Shout-Out to: My new car tires and my new bike tires! Having blown out my left front car tire on a road trip to Galveston (what a time! fishery conference, dirty beaches, seedy hotels that cause you to contract the grippe... i had a blast! at least during the drive to and fro!) I spent the better portion of a month's salary on 4 new slicks for Claus. Only to discover that my back wheel on my bike had similarly departed its useful life. So today I bought two new street-slick tires for my $20 bike. Total Cost: $78. Which means I need another $25 U-lock to keep my sweet red-walled back tire safe from potential purloiners. I swear, it's getting ridiculous.

summer in full swing shoutouts!

A quick recap about the previous 24 hours in the life of goose:

with the cubs "in town" (i.e. in arlington, texas to play the texas rangers, owners of the worst record in baseball and current home of famed cubs slugger sammy sosa), me and good friend, classmate, and fellow cubs fan stephen b. of baton rouge, la., decided we should head on up for a game. note: we did know that the trip was 200 miles. each way. and it was a 7:35pm start (that's 19:35 for my european readership). but with an ipod freshly scrubbed clear of meredith brooks (i had this cd? how? why? did i join a militant feminist group in the early noughts?) we zipped up state highways and surprisingly made it to our seats by the bottom of the first. just in time to realize that slamming sammy was up. and only 1 home run short of 600 in his career. it was going to be a great night. we were jazzed for sammy to "uncork" one and the cubs to lambaste the woeful rangers. but such was not our night. though we did get to see sammy hit a deep drive over the right-center wall in the 5th inning to join the hallowed club of aaron, bonds*, ruth, and mays. the place went nuts (and it was easily 50% cubs fans). he even gave a props chest thump to the cubs dugout which we loved. and then of course, just for old times' sake, he struck out his next at-bat. that's our sammy! and the cubs gave up 3 errors, leading to 3 runs and lost the game 7-3. that's our cubbies!

So a double-thump chest bump and finger kiss back to chest back to kiss back to chest and double kiss the victory sign and salute the sky sammy shout-out to sammy sosa. one of my favorite cubs not named mark grace (my all-time number one), ryne sandberg (my all-time number two and perhaps the first major leaguer i tried to emulate in little league before i realized i couldn't field a ground ball), and andre "the hawk" dawson. and doug glanville. but sammy is right there. though with andre patrolling right, i'd put sammy in left.

a quick review of "Great Moments In Baseball" Shout-out to myself: given that i make it to about 1 game a year, given my allegiances and relative distance from wrigley field, i've seen sammy hit his 600th, fernando tatis hit two grand slams in the same inning (both off of chan ho park), seen team usa win a gold medal (against cuba, 2000 olympics, with my rallying cry of "smoke the cubans!") and seen mark mcgwire hit the upper-upper deck at yankee stadium (in his rookie year, i believe). and of course, red ivy in october. i feel pretty fortunate as a fan. and of course, how can i forget mark grace hitting a home run on OUR birthday (we share cake too) to get the cubs to actually win a game during their hideous 1997 season and having my brother, the good Dr. Carr of Guam, catch a foul ball in the 9th (from the bat of bill spiers, i believe). that's my all-time favorite. though seeing sammy go yard last night was pretty neat. for a non-cubs moment.

Gratulerer med dagen! shout-0ut to good friend and founding member of the "we don't like tequila anymore" club, stian n. of tonsberg, norway. i'm certain it was a great birthday and only accentuates the fact that the last two weeks of june and the first week of july is the greatest density of birthday party potential anywhere. to summarize: d. mike and the future mrs. d. beth of cambridge, ma. (19 june), stian n. (20 june), little goose (22 june), brother euge (27 june), goose his oneself (28 june), slider (2 july) nara w. of los angeles (3 july), our nation (4 july). there's literally little opportunity to slow down between all those slices of cake.

and finally, with summer officially here (as noted by unwashed hippies descending upon stonehenge), a big shout-out to summer corn! you must get some! steam it! butter it! eat it! preferably while sitting on a deck or porch with a beverage of your choosing nearby and some music. i'm preferential to anything with a reggae beat, but it doesn't matter. whatever makes these long days of sunlight more enjoyable.

--goose

juneteenth shoutouts!

Happy Juneteenth Day to everyone! Juneteenth Day (June 19) remembers the emancipation of slaves in the state of Texas in 1865. I may have to check, but I'm fairly certain that the Emancipation Proclamation had an effective date of 1 January 1863 (yep, it was 1863...). just another item in my growing list of "things about texas, texas history, and texans that makes goose shake his head slowly back and forth with a slight frown." This adds to a list that includes: humongous trucks that don't fit in parking spaces yet are so clean and customized that there's no way they do ranch work with them, carrying knives everywhere, a slice of wonderbread as a side dish with your bbq, keeping your truck running while you eat dinner to keep the a/c going, racing down dead-end streets (like mine) or down a major road where you see a red light waiting, and the gawd-awful heat and humidity. and it's not even summer yet! hurray!

on the bright side, Happy Texas Peach and Watermelon month shout-out to everyone. As an avowed "fruitatarian", I couldn't be more effusive in my praise for the local produce right now. Amazing.

Keeping with the Texas theme: Happy Welcome to the Neighborhood to T3 and Joy S., who have officially moved into their home in Austin. Super excited.

Congratulations and "Go Nittany Lions!" shout-out to my cousin Leah K. of Cheswick, PA. after much research and pestering of her aunt and cousins, I have learned that she will be matriculating to Penn State in the fall. Which means I get to write one more email each week to a relative after each USC win and Penn State loss (or when they play Notre Dame, a win). I was discussing college the other day with some classmates and we all agreed on one thing, of which I now share with Leah: If you do college right, you can stay five years and not irritate your parents! this requires a few study abroads, perhaps changing major or picking up a second, plenty of social obligations, but, and this is the hard part, not letting your GPA look like you're having too much fun... So have fun, and as promised to other members of the Mis clan (many many family members have gone to Penn State), if USC plays PSU in a bowl game, we shall convene and make fun of each other's face paint and in general have a great time.

Best non-newsy blog shout-out to Minter D. of Paris, France. I think the value of his blog is largely due to knowing who Minter is. But perhaps it is more accessible than that. either way, i highly enjoy his thoughts and if you have a moment, check his site out. it's much more futuristic and interactive than mine.

and finally, a "i saw you on tv!" shout-out to dear old dad, who (i believe) i saw at the U.S. Open at Oakmont C.C. yesterday, following Tiger Woods. seeing someone you know on tv never gets old.

eureka moments courtesy of yesterday's margarita mixer

some of you may know that somehow or another, i managed to finagle a master's degree from a certain ivy league institution a few years back. more impressively, i managed to pull in an economics component into said degree. the degree of difficulty given my biological science background: off the charts.

anyhow, this spectre of economic thought rouses itself every so often, and usually in manners or places where it should not be welcome. for example, it's one thing to ponder how much money you have in the bank when you go to an atm. no matter how simple that neuro-moment, that was economics (finances at its most essential). that little cheer for a big balance or whinge from a zero before that decimal point is all you need to decide whether or not you're playing the economics game properly. but other times it becomes more difficult.

take, for example, my current plodding. supposedly, i'm designing a method that gives a quick overview to the health of a certain region's commercial fisheries utilizing very basic metrics. very similar to checking your balance at the the atm. i'm not, given my particular dataset (a publicly available data set that has more issues than i care to even worry too much about because it'd lead me to curling up in a fetal position with the shades pulled down and rocking and talking to myself about why i ever started this)... anyhoo, given my particular data set, i can't really do an in-depth analysis any more than you can look at your atm balance and make deep, incisive conclusions about the causes of your financial dire straits. it's either rich or poor. if it's rich, the idea is to say "don't waste your fishery like: *insert favorite over-fished region here* or *insert second favorite over-fished...* you get the idea. if it's poor, you can say, "look, you're wasting your resource. you need to spend some time like immediately to uncover the reasons. usually the reasons for over-exploitation are easy. you have your "we had no idea that we were catching all the fish!" excuse like the northern cod fishery in canada in the late 1980s. you have the "we can't possibly enforce our rules because the fisherman is my cousin/brother/uncle" that likes to play throughout any small island nation or territory. and of course you have the, "we really don't have a choice but to fish and feed our family and community" that is such a sad statement about global inequity as seen through much of the east coast of africa and parts of southeast asia (though to be sure, many fishermen in asia are merely getting paid slave wages to feed the machines that are the hong kong or tokyo markets. it's really poaching... but that's another story...)

anyhow, coming up with this metric has been difficult. relying on this one data set, i've gone through weeks of comparative statistical analyses. all of which left me wondering if i was just re-presenting the published data rather than providing any new input. which brings me to a pow-wow and a spilt margarita.

the summer semester in school has it's ebbs and flows. with most of campus (and the department) currently away, you can really decide your work day in a heart beat. the work remains in front of you, but with no classes to break up your day, you can spend days focusing in on one task or not focusing at all. and i was focused, if a bit depressed about the prospects of my seemingly endless and fruitless endeavors. so one of the bigger wigs in the department invites the students out to a happy hour to meet the new faculty and make the department look socially healthy and not all about research. so of course, i brought my graphs of northern cod with me.

now, there are few people who know how to adequately discuss the points of fishery research in my department (one of the bonuses of working in a geography department instead of say, a wildlife and fisheries department, which we do have...). but that doesn't prevent an exchange of ideas, especially when you are the djork who brings his research to happy hour to a bunch of intellectuals whose minds and mouths have been loosened by tequila and assorted beers. by the end of said happy hour, my graphs were soaked and my cell phone had seemingly been ruined by the copious amounts of alcohol and shaker sweat that covered the table. elbows were sticky and damp. voices that were polite just a moment before were now raging at the lack of foresight the silly canadian fishery ministry had and how they ruined an economy and 40,000 families who depended on cod. the travesty and pointlessness of emptying a sea of its most vital resources. and i think one individual attempted to link the cod fishery crash to the rise of mad cow disease. the incivility of the entire situation required both more margaritas and fresh print-outs. only one of which could occur that evening. but the next day, as i was about to print out my cod fish graph again, i accidentally punched up a list of all the various calculations excel could do to my spreadsheet (i transfer it from excel to the most excellent matlab program after a bit of cleaning). ever curious (one of my more prized character flaws), i spent a good hour just typing in each one to see what it would do.

now usually, my contempt for microsoft excel is high. i use it solely because 1) it's much more user friendly than similar software programs, and 2) i have yet to get my hands on said other software programs. the trick is to know it's limitations and usefulness. which was what i was doing when lo! and behold! it sat in front of me like sign from above! short-term growth! comparative statistics year to year! and so i calculated the geometric mean and the geometric standard deviation (something i don't recommend doing without professional guidance) and a few clicks later, i had revolutionized my analysis into something clearly new and (possibly) worthwhile! and i couldn't have done that without a spilt margarita and some keystroke combination that i still can't replicate.

this was not how they told me science advanced. not at all.

enjoy the u.s. open and the best month for fresh farm fruits!

--goose

the traveling bug, or how I spent a month away

Dearest All,

As many of you know, I spent the past month traveling. Cayman Islands, New York City, France, Ireland, Paris, New York City, Connecticut, New York City, back to Texas. It's absolutely impossible to try to capture what was a tremendous month of work and play. And quite frankly, I'm still a bit exhausted by living out of a suitcase for 28 days. But rest assured, this past month may be the best I've had, start to finish, in a long while. And this includes my 25th birthday month back in 2001 (ye-ouch! that was a while back!)

In lieu of the blow-by-blow (as my mom derides me and my brother's stories), I thought it might be nice to tell you one experience from the entire trip that succinctly sums up the whole shebang...

Once upon a time, traveling through the City of Lights, I got the great idea to take some long exposure photographs of various cultural highlights: the Arc de Triomphe, Eiffel Tower, Les Grand Palais, the River Seine, you get the idea. Being that the French like sub-compact cars (as evidenced by the singular Citroen) that seat at least six, there was plenty of space for my mini-tripod and my growing fear of near-fatal car crash. We hustled 10 minutes into the center of the city to catch the Eiffel Tower's light show, but sadly there were no places to park. Solution: Park at a bus stop. As Fabien P., recently married to the Virgin Islands' own Emily P. nee S. said as a response to my concern of our "Twingo" being towed, "of course it's fine! We are in Paris!"

That, in a nut shell, is France. Centuries old buildings and streets, the art and churches, the gardens, the food, the architecture, the streets, and the je ne sais quoi of the people. No matter how the French are perceived or categorized, I just love them. I had more trouble talking to waiters in Ireland. In Paris, no matter how I tried to work my small grasp of the local language, they immediately switched over to English, which both made ordering easier and dinner more fun.

Of course, France is nothing without its people and their cultural mores. I know us Americans like to either snigger or giggle (or is that the same?) about French and their tolerance of sex in all its forms. You expect the nudity on the television after 11pm. You may even plan on it (I didn't, I swear). But you don't expect: 1) a lady openly browsing the airport porn rack prior to departing from JFK. and you DEFINITELY don't expect: 2) a guy openly carrying a porn DVD onto the metro (their subway) during the morning rush hour. But that's how they roll. There is something, I'm sure, to be said for it. And it might explain why they smoke so much.

All in all, I had a great time in Paris. And though I understand the point that "you can do Paris when you're older, so go to some third world place when you're young", I disagree. Paris needs to be done in your youth. Then you build in time to go back later. It's just that beautiful a place.
And besides which, as I hurtle towards my latest birthday (31...where oh where has it all gone!) I might already qualify for the above point. Damn!

Stay well, be safe, and embrace love this spring and summer 2007,
goose

THE SHOUT-OUTS (JUNE 2007! Edition):

Guinness Is Good For You! Shout-Out to Dublin, The Guinness Brewery, the people of Ireland (especially the bartenders and waiters), and of course Guinness beer. If Paris left me starry eyed, Dublin was for sure just as fun. Any country who has their largest brewery double as the number one tourist attraction is fine with me. And to think that the best weather I had in Europe (I had good weather follow me from the Caymans all the way back to Texas) was in Dublin. Though there is no such thing as a warm rain there. Brr!

Happy Graduation Shout-Out to cousin Leah K. of Cheswick, PA! Further proof that I'm getting old. Unfortunately, there's been no confirmed reports on her matriculating university, but I'm certain she'll do well.

Happy Moving Day Shout-Outs to: 1) Clayt and Kim L. of Juno Beach, FL nee Erie, PA and 2) T3 and Joy S. of Austin, TX nee Jersey City, NJ. I'm doubly excited for their move, though Clayt will have to try hard to score as nice a backyard as he had in Erie. And with T3 and Joy so close, they should start expecting to spend more time with me! It's like we planned this!

Happy Summer Semester Shout-Out to all my fellow students and academics. Summer means travel, and that includes Dr. LW of Riverside, CA (who was fishing with family last weekend), and D. Mike of Cambridge, MA who somehow got to Germany. Throw in my trip and Brother Euge's trip to England and Finland, and its a wonder how the Monastery scored a cumulative 4.0 this past year. And word on the street is that my summer traveling hasn't even gotten started...

June Birthday Shout-Outs to: My Aunt Helen, D.Mike and Beth (and Garfield), Brother Euge, and oh, I don't know... hmm... who could it be?!!! (You definitely should get to Texas for the party, kids...)

mayday shout-outs!

on to the shout-outs!

happy Earth Day Five Shout-Out to my wondrous friends Brycer D. (a "Mav" statused friend... more below) of Palo Alto, CA and Sylvia F. of Harlem, NY. though my non-phone-callingness has been at all-time highs, i do wish that i was there with you two in SF last weekend. oddly enough, there was a conference there that i could have been at, but then i would have returned to school having lost that entire week (and most likely several important brain cells)...

Happy Tagalong for Tagalogs Shout-Out to my excellently awesome cousin Marissa K. of Cheswick, PA, who upped the ante this year and sent roughly 8 boxes of girl scout cookies to me, through her mom (no doubt) Trish K. not only did i score some bonus points (by giving a few boxes to the ladies in the main office!) but i have secured my peanut butter fix well into november, there's so many boxes!

Don't You Wish You Got To Know Cricket? Shout-Out to excellent friend and fellow sportsnut Sasha B. of St. Croix, VI. sent back from her trip to Antigua and Barbuda to see World Cup Cricket were two t-shirts, stylishly meant for me and Brother Euge. We are big fans and can't thank you enough, even though based on how the Windies (poorly) and Australia (unbeaten) have played, perhaps I should have opted for an Aussie jersey? anyhoo, much love and we wish we could have been there! especially since the "party lawn" looked like the place to be for friends and Hairoun Beer!

Supplemental Tagalog Shout-Out to my dearest and Rowan the Dog from St. Croix, VI for accenting the package of cricket t-shirts with MORE TAGALOG COOKIES!!! between that and the rubber chicken keychain, i've been rubbing my chin and trying to figure out where i deserve such inspirational care packages. i can't wait to see you!

Most Excellent Wingman Shout-Out to good friend and member of "Mav" Status (a high, holy honor I have bestowed only to the best and greatest of friends) Dr. Josh C, DDS of "The Valley", CA. after many a missing moons from having lost contact (i should have known that your AOL account wouldn't be the best form of communication...) we have been re-connected, courtesy a plea delivered for me through dear friend and fishingmaster Stef H. of Torrance, CA. It seems like just yesterday we were failing our radioactive materials handling certification together. and look at you, a board-certified dentist AND commissioned by the US Navy. and no more bleached tips! I could not be more thrilled to see how the 2000's have been to one of my great co-conspirators to many of my grandest moments at USC.

Happy "What is In the Mis Family Genetics?!!!" Shout-Out to my superb cousin Beth L. and her husband (and provider of my cherished USC soccer t-shirt) Tom, of Pittsburgh, PA. earlier this month (5 April 2007), they welcomed the newest additions to the West Pennsylvania Mis': twins Mary Margaret L. and Matthew Everett L. mom and tots are doing fine and i couldn't be more thrilled. just for reference, the family now has 3 sets of twins and 1 set of triplets. we are so going to own any inter-family reunion softball game in the greater Washington, PA county for YEARS!!!

And finally, since i know many of you will forget, Happy Mother's Day Shout-Out to each of you. Don't forget! It's always the Sunday after USC graduation. Nice little way to remember. If only we could remember that day that was (owing to the party the night before...)

--goose

mayday! mayday! mayday!

dearest all-

there's so much going on, so much to say, so little time to do it, that i'm either going to forget half of what i got to say or i'm going to make this entry so long that my four remaining loyal readers will die trying to get to the intermission...

seriously, this missive has lots. and i'd be remiss if i didn't at least touch on the virginia tech tragedy and how it's shock waves were felt here on our little campus in texas. foremost, such a senseless tragedy and though the closest connection i have to a hokie is a fellow 1st year phd who finished his master's there last year, it felt entirely personal and i experienced some very raw, emotional moments. classmates discussed it and felt a little less safe for at least a few days and though the shooter (and i'm with dick cavett who says we shouldn't name the shooter. his columns on the new york times are a good read, if you have access to the special nytimes all-access membership) was surely disturbingly unique, we agreed that many elements of our culture and times have some contribution that have coarsened the joyful life. even video games, which sounds ludicrous. but if nfl players use "madden '08" to learn defensive schemes and race car drivers use "nascar 2000" or whatever and a rather large number of professional gamblers hone their skills on-line, it's not so far-fetched to think that the dark recesses of human capabilities could do the same. but with so many millions of people who don't take that leap and re-live their gaming moments, you can't lay the responsibility on anyone but the actor involved. and though i think that guns are a bit too ubiquitous in our national dialogue and fabric, you don't have to tell me that banning guns won't prevent murders just like speed limits don't prevent speeding. human behavior, being what it is, drives towards selfishness and self-grandeur and importance, and in certain moments and people, self-delusion. the thing i do to prevent this further coarsening is to strive towards being a better neighbor, friend, colleague, and brother. this strengthens shared bonds and i can't imagine even on the most happy of normal days, such an outlook can't improve that sunshine and warm breeze.

but it's such a stomach punch of a tragedy that i am loathe to paint some sense onto any of it in terms of the scar it left on the collective conscience. it was and will always be wholly senseless. and i grieve and hope that it sows no more seeds of delusional self-grandeur and vague notions of oppression and alienation.

you see, not only did the va-tech tragedy occur, but a week prior, another senseless killing occurred here. it wasn't nearly as senseless (apparently large amounts of alcohol, ego, and testosterone were involved in the stabbing death outside a bar here) but it still, to the by-stander, loosens the necessary feeling that our world is good and safe and that the biggest fear we have each day waking up is whether the starbucks line is too long to get to work on-time. so now, instead of celebrating the end of semester like any good college student, my first thought it, "who carries a knife or gun?" and i know that a popular sentiment around this particular campus is that the va-tech and v-bar (oddly enough) incidents have given at least a certain percent of people a reason to carry a gun around when they previously would have left it in their car/truck or home. and that is unsettling to me.

somehow, we encourage the selfish, instinctual response when anyone who has lost someone due to senseless violence or a poorly shot bullet or some late-night accident that wasn't their fault. it's a lot easier to arm yourself than try to improve the world. what we should be doing, if we were led by a sense of altruism, should be using those raw moments to tighten our common bond as humans. instead, now everyone is sizing up their quiet classmate as crazy, deciding that their girlfriend is worth shooting a guy over, yelling epithets at the top of their lungs on-line and in the real world, or dismissing people into rough boxes of "with us" or "against us".

call me naive. call me rosy. call me crazy. but you can't tell me that we'd be worse off with a little more civility, respect, courtesy, and empathy in our daily lives. you know, that stuff you were taught in kindergarten. and made your mom so proud she hung it on the fridge for all to see. i know optimism can be a weakness (and a blind one at that), but if my #1 mom describes a certain welcoming blue shade of sky using my name as the apt modifier, maybe we can all find a bit of peace and reassurance in a blue sky. that is my hope today.

*INTERMISSION*
(cue Pam Hall's "Our Day Will Come")

ahh, i feel much better. i do apologize that it has been a while since my last post. mind you, there's a good reason:

I AM GOING TO THE CAYMAN ISLANDS NEXT WEEK!!!! yes! research has begun. i couldn't be more excited unless they were giving me a panda and a winning lotto ticket when i land. i'll be down there for 8 days-ish and then i depart for a long-awaited vacation to europe (france and ireland). suppposedly, office-mate, room-mate and fellow drunk monk brother euge will be in london then and we will try to rendezvous at a dublin bar. or maybe all of them. who knows! the trip should be lovely. i'm most excited. there's the birthday party of my sis-in-law in paris (including a moment to see the super-twins and brother, the good dr. carr, president-ex-oficio of "the dad club"). then me and my lovely travel to west france to see her friend from the islands get married to a nice parisian. and then we bail to dublin, where i will badger her to get her irish passport and we will enjoy horse racing, trinity college, and the river liffey. and i will try to get a nice irish souvenir for myself and of course my rockin' god-son little goose who will be turning a magical 9 upon my return (it's a good year!). then i will spend an extra week up in new england before returning to texas to start up the air conditioner in what life longers call "texas summer".

of course, in preparation for the trip, i've condensed my last 7 weeks of school into 4 weeks. and i'm on week 4 right now. to writ: 3 finals, 1 presentation, 4 homeworks, 1 project, 1 proposal, and supposedly 1 paper. as of this moment (11:07 thursday local time) i have 1 homework, 3 finals left. and a celebratory bbq when i hit the finish line. to say that i've never worked harder for such a time would neglect all those summers cleaning leaves from under the bushes or weeding and hoeing my #1 mom's garden. but it's close. though honestly, i'd rather be weedwhacking underneath the grape vines than doing mat-lab for four days straight.

but now it's time for class. i'll have shout-outs later today. after all, it's girl scout cookie season and with those tagalogs goes the requisite shout-out to my cousin marissa.

now go enjoy a nice sunny day,
--goose